General ponderings.

We all know that the whole "Facebook thing" is more than slightly "odd". Yes it's great that we can now get in contact with everyone we've ever said "hi" to or who we knew back when we were 3 or went to playgroup with. But is it actually helpful? I know for me personally I had all these requests to be "friends" with people who I went to school with. YAY I looked really "popular" having lots of "friends" and then one night when the latest one had posted about their fantastic life jet setting all over the world at the drop of the hat, going our socialising, never having to worry about money etc I had the sudden realisation that actually it wasn't making me happy finding out all these things. In fact it was making me feel sad that my life has turned out so differently from how it was all meant to be. Don't get me wrong I love my husband and I love our children and yes in the grand scheme of things I'm happy. So why was it bothering me? Maybe because these people had never been friends of mine, they had only been mere acquaintances if that tbh at school or people who I just didn't get on with at all. So why had I added them? Someone once said that if something or someone in your life isn't a positive influence or have a positive effect on you then cut them out of your life. So that's what I did and am far more content surrounding myself with people who really do have a similar outlook to life that I have. No I may not have thousands of friends, but I do have those who count and who don't judge me and those who I want to have.

18th May 2011

Yup, once again I have neglected you my poor blog, and for that I (once again) apologise.

Things here are up and down (as always and I don't think I'm alone in that one!), but seem "OK".

I have a new phone and I love it! It's the HTC Wildfire and it makes me smile. I can now annoy the internet wherever I go! :) Am just waiting for my old number to be transferred and then I can annoy everyone with texts and calls too! It shall be awesome (for me anyway!) *insert evil laugh!*

This seems very random witterings tonight and I'm sorry, but I'm jsut writing things as they come into my head! lol

B had an appointment with a new consultant on Mon. This one seems fab. He seems to be more for practical solutions to issues and doesn't immediately want to medicate for something that there is (in our opinion) nothing to medicate. Yup would be amazing if the Aspies meltdowns and the violence and aggression could disappear, but we all know that's not going to happen. So it's about finding ways of coping with and dealing with them. So that's the plan.

We have begun the serious crisis of trying to work out which secondary school B will be attending. This is scary. He's only got another year where he is, which isn't a brilliant school by any means, but it's the devil we know itms? All the secondaries round here have such mixed reviews by parents that actually the whole thing is terrifying me. What if we screw up this decision?

OOO bragging time! Youngest (F) is not only top of her class in reading, but top of the year and is doing so well that her teacher sat with her and one other and tried one of the SATS papers and she did brilliantly! She got marks that they "Hoped" that the year 2's would get! She's doing so brilliantly that she is working at year 3 level! this is awesome!

Middle one (H) is just wonderful too. She's got tonsillitis again atm so is at home and it's been lovely having her home! She really is just a total pleasure to be with!

I really am so lucky!

Feeling blue

yup, me. It's not often I get like this but today I am. I'm not depressed, I just feel crappy.

Today I watched the Royal Wedding with my kids (on an off) and it suddenly hit me how much I miss my Dad. He would have loved all the pomp and circumstance of today. He loved the whole monarchy thing. I want to be able to call him and talk to him about what he thought of it, but I can't. It hurts.

It's strange I didn't ever think I'd miss him so much and it's stupid things which make it creep up on me and bite me hard on the arse each time. Doesn't really help that sprogs appear to be totally on a mission to fight with each other over stupidist things (elastic band, who has had more crisps than the other one) and that I've had very little sleep last night. But that's how it is.

Things aren't looking great for WSH's Nan either and selfishly there are things about it which are getting to me. The waiting. I hate that. I don't want to linger around when it's my time, I just want to go and save everyone the heartache. I'm worried about WSH and how this is all going to impact on him which in turn will impact on the sprogs. I'm really worried about funerals. I have only been able to go to one since my Dad and that was WSH's other Nan. Generally I haven't been to any (although sadly there have been a few) And yet this is another one that I will feel that I will have to go to in order to support WSH and his Mum and Sis, but I also know how hard it'll be for me and I just don't want that. I hate funerals. Always have done, but now all I can see is my Dads and feel the same guilt and horror that I feel every day for letting him down by fluffing the poem and breaking down instead of being able to read the thing.

I also feel regret today. I don't "do" regret, I know it's a wasted emotion, but it's there. I so wish that I hadn't worn the dress that my mum bought for me to my wedding as I hated it. I hated it when she bought it, I hated it afterwards, I hated it when I walked down the aisle and I still hate it now. Maybe one day we'll do the really sad "renewing of vows" thing and I'll get to wear the frock I want!

So yeah, today is a blue day. I think I might go and cook, it might help.

March 18th 2011

Guess what?

I'm so happy!!! You know, just that I-can't-stop-grinning kind of happy? Yup? That's me today!

Have sold some copies of my book, have "come out" to several people as the author and about my past and about my sexuality and it's been brilliant. Had a wonderful day with a friend yesterday and it's all fabulous.

Yes there are shit bits, but I'm not thinking about those today. Today I AM HAPPY!

Saturday 5th March 2011 - books!!!

Am about as excited as excited ever gets!

Today is the first ever WORLD BOOK NIGHT and I have 48 copies of one of the most amazing books I have ever read to give away - Fingersmith! It's really really exciting!

I have published my first novel as an ebook on kindle! It's just gone live for sale!

Amazon.co.uk link: http://tinyurl.com/66s96zb

Amazon.com link: http://tinyurl.com/5s7ajye My debut novel available as a kindle book!

Tuesday 22nd February

Well it's my birthday. It's good. My sprogs are more than slightly excited and thrilled with the fact that they went out on their own to the local shop and bought me birthday presents (a packet of rolos, a packet of polos and some bounty bars) and that they have hand made me presents. These mean so much! I love my sproglets!

We were planning on either taking a trip to the cinema or to Alice Holt today, that is up until yesterday when Mum called moaning about her having to "struggle" to the post office and "pay the exorbitant postage costs unless you decide to let us come up instead"... So now I am sitting waiting for my Mum, my little sister and her two little people to come up. This is lovely that they want to see me, it's lovely that they are coming but I wish that I wasn't wasting most of the day waiting for them! My Mum doesn't believe in rushing - EVER. So whereas my little sis would have been ready to leave about 9ish or earlier and would then be here for the best part of the day I would be surprised if they have either left or left within the hour so they will only be here for a couple of hours. Hardly seems worth it or the cost of petrol!

I'm really touched though I have had some beautiful cards from my friends and my FB wall is full of "happy birthday" messages which have totally shocked me. It's lovely to see how many people actually want to wish me a happy birthday and some of the messages are truly special. It's lovely to feel loved and cared for and I really do...

So yup, I am now 33. This is odd. 33 and wondering what's happening with my life and where it's all going. I s'pose that's natural, but so many things have happened recently that actually I'm not sure where I will (working wise and stuff) in the next 5-10 years, my whole life plan has been spun on it's head. This I am sure is for a reason and I've always believed in fate, that things happen for a reason, so I am sure that actually it's all just part of the great masterplan and that I need to just hold on tighter for a while. That's cool, I can do that. So at 33 I'm holding on tight and trying to enjoy the thrills and spills... anyone want to join me?

Ooops!!

OK OK OK I know I have neglected you oh Blog, and tbh I haven't really got any excuses apart from being really busy but having little to show for it!

I'ts nearly the end of February and that's amazing. I can't believe how time is flying atm. Mind you am also mightily glad that it's half term next week - that can't come quick enough!

DWD has gone crazily busy which is great, but I wish there weren't so many people who were suffering. That's just so horrible.

At some point have promised my little sister and my Mum that the sprogs and I will travel down to see them for a day over 1/2 term. Really must make that happen. It's been ages since I've been down.

Some git nicked the lead off my roof. Yup that's right. The nasty little bastards are taking it off the roofs of the estate I live off (classy neighbourhood) and now they have started ripping the copper pipes from peoples walls - the ones that carry the gas - hmm how safe?! So if you see any lead lying around can you ask the little shites to return it please? Although must be said they are much braver than me, I wouldn't climb up where they did!