Feeling blue

yup, me. It's not often I get like this but today I am. I'm not depressed, I just feel crappy.

Today I watched the Royal Wedding with my kids (on an off) and it suddenly hit me how much I miss my Dad. He would have loved all the pomp and circumstance of today. He loved the whole monarchy thing. I want to be able to call him and talk to him about what he thought of it, but I can't. It hurts.

It's strange I didn't ever think I'd miss him so much and it's stupid things which make it creep up on me and bite me hard on the arse each time. Doesn't really help that sprogs appear to be totally on a mission to fight with each other over stupidist things (elastic band, who has had more crisps than the other one) and that I've had very little sleep last night. But that's how it is.

Things aren't looking great for WSH's Nan either and selfishly there are things about it which are getting to me. The waiting. I hate that. I don't want to linger around when it's my time, I just want to go and save everyone the heartache. I'm worried about WSH and how this is all going to impact on him which in turn will impact on the sprogs. I'm really worried about funerals. I have only been able to go to one since my Dad and that was WSH's other Nan. Generally I haven't been to any (although sadly there have been a few) And yet this is another one that I will feel that I will have to go to in order to support WSH and his Mum and Sis, but I also know how hard it'll be for me and I just don't want that. I hate funerals. Always have done, but now all I can see is my Dads and feel the same guilt and horror that I feel every day for letting him down by fluffing the poem and breaking down instead of being able to read the thing.

I also feel regret today. I don't "do" regret, I know it's a wasted emotion, but it's there. I so wish that I hadn't worn the dress that my mum bought for me to my wedding as I hated it. I hated it when she bought it, I hated it afterwards, I hated it when I walked down the aisle and I still hate it now. Maybe one day we'll do the really sad "renewing of vows" thing and I'll get to wear the frock I want!

So yeah, today is a blue day. I think I might go and cook, it might help.