my life, depression, the world and everything else

General ponderings.

2011-10-13T09:29:00.000+01:00

We all know that the whole "Facebook thing" is more than slightly "odd". Yes it's great that we can now get in contact with everyone we've ever said "hi" to or who we knew back when we were 3 or went to playgroup with. But is it actually helpful? I know for me personally I had all these requests to be "friends" with people who I went to school with. YAY I looked really "popular" having lots of "friends" and then one night when the latest one had posted about their fantastic life jet setting all over the world at the drop of the hat, going our socialising, never having to worry about money etc I had the sudden realisation that actually it wasn't making me happy finding out all these things. In fact it was making me feel sad that my life has turned out so differently from how it was all meant to be. Don't get me wrong I love my husband and I love our children and yes in the grand scheme of things I'm happy. So why was it bothering me? Maybe because these people had never been friends of mine, they had only been mere acquaintances if that tbh at school or people who I just didn't get on with at all. So why had I added them? Someone once said that if something or someone in your life isn't a positive influence or have a positive effect on you then cut them out of your life. So that's what I did and am far more content surrounding myself with people who really do have a similar outlook to life that I have. No I may not have thousands of friends, but I do have those who count and who don't judge me and those who I want to have.

18th May 2011

2011-05-18T17:11:00.003+01:00

Yup, once again I have neglected you my poor blog, and for that I (once again) apologise.

Things here are up and down (as always and I don't think I'm alone in that one!), but seem "OK".

I have a new phone and I love it! It's the HTC Wildfire and it makes me smile. I can now annoy the internet wherever I go! :) Am just waiting for my old number to be transferred and then I can annoy everyone with texts and calls too! It shall be awesome (for me anyway!) *insert evil laugh!*

This seems very random witterings tonight and I'm sorry, but I'm jsut writing things as they come into my head! lol

B had an appointment with a new consultant on Mon. This one seems fab. He seems to be more for practical solutions to issues and doesn't immediately want to medicate for something that there is (in our opinion) nothing to medicate. Yup would be amazing if the Aspies meltdowns and the violence and aggression could disappear, but we all know that's not going to happen. So it's about finding ways of coping with and dealing with them. So that's the plan.

We have begun the serious crisis of trying to work out which secondary school B will be attending. This is scary. He's only got another year where he is, which isn't a brilliant school by any means, but it's the devil we know itms? All the secondaries round here have such mixed reviews by parents that actually the whole thing is terrifying me. What if we screw up this decision?

OOO bragging time! Youngest (F) is not only top of her class in reading, but top of the year and is doing so well that her teacher sat with her and one other and tried one of the SATS papers and she did brilliantly! She got marks that they "Hoped" that the year 2's would get! She's doing so brilliantly that she is working at year 3 level! this is awesome!

Middle one (H) is just wonderful too. She's got tonsillitis again atm so is at home and it's been lovely having her home! She really is just a total pleasure to be with!

I really am so lucky!

Feeling blue

2011-04-29T15:30:00.002+01:00

yup, me. It's not often I get like this but today I am. I'm not depressed, I just feel crappy.

Today I watched the Royal Wedding with my kids (on an off) and it suddenly hit me how much I miss my Dad. He would have loved all the pomp and circumstance of today. He loved the whole monarchy thing. I want to be able to call him and talk to him about what he thought of it, but I can't. It hurts.

It's strange I didn't ever think I'd miss him so much and it's stupid things which make it creep up on me and bite me hard on the arse each time. Doesn't really help that sprogs appear to be totally on a mission to fight with each other over stupidist things (elastic band, who has had more crisps than the other one) and that I've had very little sleep last night. But that's how it is.

Things aren't looking great for WSH's Nan either and selfishly there are things about it which are getting to me. The waiting. I hate that. I don't want to linger around when it's my time, I just want to go and save everyone the heartache. I'm worried about WSH and how this is all going to impact on him which in turn will impact on the sprogs. I'm really worried about funerals. I have only been able to go to one since my Dad and that was WSH's other Nan. Generally I haven't been to any (although sadly there have been a few) And yet this is another one that I will feel that I will have to go to in order to support WSH and his Mum and Sis, but I also know how hard it'll be for me and I just don't want that. I hate funerals. Always have done, but now all I can see is my Dads and feel the same guilt and horror that I feel every day for letting him down by fluffing the poem and breaking down instead of being able to read the thing.

I also feel regret today. I don't "do" regret, I know it's a wasted emotion, but it's there. I so wish that I hadn't worn the dress that my mum bought for me to my wedding as I hated it. I hated it when she bought it, I hated it afterwards, I hated it when I walked down the aisle and I still hate it now. Maybe one day we'll do the really sad "renewing of vows" thing and I'll get to wear the frock I want!

So yeah, today is a blue day. I think I might go and cook, it might help.

March 18th 2011

2011-03-18T18:30:00.001Z

Guess what?

I'm so happy!!! You know, just that I-can't-stop-grinning kind of happy? Yup? That's me today!

Have sold some copies of my book, have "come out" to several people as the author and about my past and about my sexuality and it's been brilliant. Had a wonderful day with a friend yesterday and it's all fabulous.

Yes there are shit bits, but I'm not thinking about those today. Today I AM HAPPY!

Saturday 5th March 2011 - books!!!

2011-03-05T17:22:00.004Z

Am about as excited as excited ever gets!

Today is the first ever WORLD BOOK NIGHT and I have 48 copies of one of the most amazing books I have ever read to give away - Fingersmith! It's really really exciting!

I have published my first novel as an ebook on kindle! It's just gone live for sale!

Amazon.co.uk link: http://tinyurl.com/66s96zb

Amazon.com link: http://tinyurl.com/5s7ajye My debut novel available as a kindle book!

Tuesday 22nd February

2011-02-22T11:55:00.002Z

Well it's my birthday. It's good. My sprogs are more than slightly excited and thrilled with the fact that they went out on their own to the local shop and bought me birthday presents (a packet of rolos, a packet of polos and some bounty bars) and that they have hand made me presents. These mean so much! I love my sproglets!

We were planning on either taking a trip to the cinema or to Alice Holt today, that is up until yesterday when Mum called moaning about her having to "struggle" to the post office and "pay the exorbitant postage costs unless you decide to let us come up instead"... So now I am sitting waiting for my Mum, my little sister and her two little people to come up. This is lovely that they want to see me, it's lovely that they are coming but I wish that I wasn't wasting most of the day waiting for them! My Mum doesn't believe in rushing - EVER. So whereas my little sis would have been ready to leave about 9ish or earlier and would then be here for the best part of the day I would be surprised if they have either left or left within the hour so they will only be here for a couple of hours. Hardly seems worth it or the cost of petrol!

I'm really touched though I have had some beautiful cards from my friends and my FB wall is full of "happy birthday" messages which have totally shocked me. It's lovely to see how many people actually want to wish me a happy birthday and some of the messages are truly special. It's lovely to feel loved and cared for and I really do...

So yup, I am now 33. This is odd. 33 and wondering what's happening with my life and where it's all going. I s'pose that's natural, but so many things have happened recently that actually I'm not sure where I will (working wise and stuff) in the next 5-10 years, my whole life plan has been spun on it's head. This I am sure is for a reason and I've always believed in fate, that things happen for a reason, so I am sure that actually it's all just part of the great masterplan and that I need to just hold on tighter for a while. That's cool, I can do that. So at 33 I'm holding on tight and trying to enjoy the thrills and spills... anyone want to join me?

Ooops!!

2011-02-17T13:09:00.002Z

OK OK OK I know I have neglected you oh Blog, and tbh I haven't really got any excuses apart from being really busy but having little to show for it!

I'ts nearly the end of February and that's amazing. I can't believe how time is flying atm. Mind you am also mightily glad that it's half term next week - that can't come quick enough!

DWD has gone crazily busy which is great, but I wish there weren't so many people who were suffering. That's just so horrible.

At some point have promised my little sister and my Mum that the sprogs and I will travel down to see them for a day over 1/2 term. Really must make that happen. It's been ages since I've been down.

Some git nicked the lead off my roof. Yup that's right. The nasty little bastards are taking it off the roofs of the estate I live off (classy neighbourhood) and now they have started ripping the copper pipes from peoples walls - the ones that carry the gas - hmm how safe?! So if you see any lead lying around can you ask the little shites to return it please? Although must be said they are much braver than me, I wouldn't climb up where they did!

Thursday 13th January 2011

2011-01-13T11:43:00.002Z

I had a strange dream last night. This is nothing unusual for me recently - as in recently I either haven't been sleeping (either due to stuff in my head or little people waking me up), or have been having THE most horrific nightmares which have actually managed to wake up WSH too. However last night really was strange. It wasn't a nightmare - well nothing like the ones I have been having, but still very strange. I think it's telling me something, therefore I think I need to get my arse in gear and actually get on with a couple of things which are "in process". So that is my plan. I WILL get things sorted, I WILL get them up and running. So there.

I dyed my hair last night and omg does it stink! It still stinks. So I am going to see what I can do to that too. It's a shame, because the dye was

a) cheap b) easy to put on c) gave great colour d) washed out easily

So apart from killing me with the smell it was perfect. Never mind 'ey!

7th November 2010

2010-11-07T16:22:00.001Z

Today I am happy.
I love being who I am, being accepted for who I am by those who are important to me.
I have tidied, cleaned, washed and dried, I am currently cooking a roast dinner, watching the sprogs play a computer game, have had my mp3 player confiscated by F who is singing along to the multitude of fabulousness on there and am writing my second novel. Life is good.

That's it really. I have a smile on my face and I thank God that I am here today to experience it. Yes I have worries, and some rather large, but I am happy. Isn't that all that counts? Accept life for what it is, warts and all. Some days are good, some days are shite, but that's the way the cookie crumbles.

I am thankful for my children, my WSH and my friends amongst other things. Thank you.

1st November!

2010-11-01T07:59:00.002Z

1st November already! Wow, scary...

Anyway today is an important day... It's the start of NaNo!!! Am mightily excited although I still haven't "found" the perfect 1st line, but I "know" it will come..... she hopes!

The very exciting news is that I now have several people who have read my first book and all said it was good. This is brilliant news! Can't wait to self publish and ebook and put it on my new and very exciting website dedicated to my pen name!

So 1667 words a day - can it be done? With the week I have coming up it's going to be tight, but am postponing as many appointments as possible and Nano here we come! If you don't hear from me again then once the party is finished you shall probably find me melted into my sofa bashing my head against my laptop trying to think of an opening line..........

27th October

2010-10-27T09:05:00.002+01:00

Where is this year going?

Well today am off to take B to CAHMS. I have a feeling that it isn't going to feel particularly productive and I also have a feeling that B is not going to particularly enjoy it - bear in mind I have spoken to the "clinical nurse specialist" on the phone and she nearly bored me to the point of wanting to end it all with the blunter end of a plastic spoon..... But jump through hoops we must, so jump through hoops we shall......

Things are taking exciting twists with regard to my writing which is so exciting and so thrilling (and scary - what if no one reads it or what if no one buys it!!! or what if someone tells me it's shite? And yes I know that so far I have only had good reviews, but there is a secret part of me which doubts my friends and wonders if they are only telling me that to be nice... although the rational part of me knows that they wouldn't..)

Anyway, off to CAHMS, more novel stuff and make halloween costumes for the sprogs and clean the house - it's going to be a busy day!

Sunday 24th October

2010-10-24T14:45:00.002+01:00

Why is it that something so simple as a long hot soak in radox whilst reading a good book can be all it takes to recharge and just feel so much better? It does for me anyway!

TBH Things have been getting me down a bit recently - no not depression, Im not depressed, just a little down there is a VERY VERY big difference. Maybe it's just the time of year, maybe it's too many memories which may be good ones and may be sad ones which are all just creeping up on me, maybe it's the annual "oh shit" as it comes towards looking at financing Christmas and H's birthday on Christmas Eve.. who knows? Maybe it's because I always thought that I would have a fabulous and sparkling career and I haven't.

I love what I do, I love being a Mum, I love DWD, it's my baby and I am proud of what we do. Would just be nice to get paid for it. I have been told that I am totally unlikely to ever get another teaching job with my best friend stick at my side, which although I could fight under the DDA I see their point, I really really do. Especially in this economic climate. I would love to be a writer, but I have emailed off my rough manuscript and heard nothing back (not surprising) but I can't afford to self publish atm. I have thought about doing it as an ebook, but again I still need someone who knows what they are talking about to look at the damn thing! So it's kind of strange to be 32 and need to think of a new direction... Still pondering. Although everything that I know I could do doesn't seem to be an option as I either need retraining (cost) or the hours don't suit having 3 sproglets who need dropping to and picking up from school. I am sure "something" will come up, but who knows what and when? Doesn't really help that the good old arthritis is a bit more than shit atm, but that's just how it is and no point moaning about it as I can't change it - just swallow a few more painkillers..

Anyway back to being a Mum for the time being!

Saturday 23rd October.

2010-10-23T13:33:00.002+01:00

Wow, how glad am I that it's now half term? I love holidays, I love having my sprogletts at home. It doesn't matter what we do, it's just nice having them here.

Yesterday was awesome. My Princesses were in the "soloists/special singers" for Harvest Festival at school and it was brilliant. They were fabulous, they sang beautifully. So truly truly proud! B was fab in his reciting of a poem too. My babies are amazing. I know it, so everyone else should do too!

I was sure that I had more to ramble about, but since being interrupted by "will you play libraries with me?" and " hey mum do you like this song?" (Got to love Band Hero! Keeps them entertained and me too for hours, although not quiet!) I have totally forgotten where I was... So what I shall do is leave it here and come back to it later..

Ooo I know Nano.. Nanowrimo starts again soon and I still haven't done anything with my novel from last year. I really should. I had a couple of friends read it who really liked it, so maybe I should think about the whole self publishing thing just for a giggle. Not expecting to make any money from it- besides who would buy it! But it might be a laugh! Besides, how cool would it be to have a novel you had written on your bookcase??? Even if it is in some bizzare pen name due to the nature of the novel! :) Hmm.....

21st October 2010

2010-10-21T07:09:00.002+01:00

Well it's amazing. D'you know that actually my wsh didn't even comment on anything yesterday as he was feeling down - more down than in ages and just couldn't cope. So I had to just get on with it. Amazing. It took a good friend (and a follower of my blog - how bored is he? pmsl) to actually comment and check I was ok, I am just shocked he didn't even bother. Bloody depression.

Well normal ish service is resumed today. I have my 9 year old in Victorian Costume (sort of, but done in an Aspergers friendly way - we have gone with the general gist rather than historical correctness!), need to make his Victorian Lunch (waste of bread, cheese and fruit as he won't eat it) and get the girls sorted.

It's H's class assembly today so am looking forward to seeing that. It's really strange the way that she won't tell me anything about it as "it has to be a secret Mummy or there's no point in you coming to see it" Lol! Bless her! So I have no idea what the assembly is about or what she is doing, but I am sure it being her it involves a serious amount of bottom wiggling!!!

Tomorrow is double harvest festival. Yup I have to see the same thing 2ce! They have split the school and half doing it in the morning (including H's class) and the other half in the afternoon (B and F) so that should be wonderful! I do love a good Harvest Festival, but seeing the same one with only a couple of hours between seems more than a little overkill!

Right best get my arse in gear and really really get on with the day ahead.. wrap up warm folks it's bloody freezing out there today!

20th October 2010

2010-10-20T11:32:00.002+01:00

Happy birthday Dad.. I wish you were here so I could make you a cake. You liked cake. A lot. Fruit cake especially. I didn't. I still don't. Chocolate cake all the way for me. I miss you Dad. I did have all these wonderful super plans of making today what I made for you the last time you came to my house, the last proper meal you ever ate (which surprised everyone!) but I can't. I just can't. Not today. Maybe I shall just throw crap in the oven tonight. I just need to get through today without hearing your voice - I can still hear you if I listen hard, but it's not the same as hearing your cheekiness on the phone or having one of your mighty bear hugs. Miss you more and more each day and they say it's meant to get easier. It isn't. It's so fucking hard. Probably a good job that I need to do some stuff today to get B's costume sorted for Victorian Day tomorrow and have lots of other things to do to, and make sure I get to the leisure centre on time to watch H swimming. Still wish you were here....

time...

2010-09-01T16:27:00.002+01:00

who would have thought that it was September already? I am shocked.. My sprogletts go back to school on Monday and I'm gutted. I hate it when they are at school. They change. B especially and tbh, I have just got him back and now with a week to go he has been stressed, teary, aggressive, picking at his fingers and I just know it's all going to get worse... We do however have our referral for CAHMS and an "assessment appointment" on Tuesday morning so we shall see...

I'm feeling a bit "bleurgh".. I am gutted, we were thinking about taking the sprogs on a trip to somewhere special to me from when I grew up on Friday - with them going back on Monday - but having checked bank balances and realising that a few things have come out which we weren't expecting (plus council tax having helped themselves which neither of us think they should have done, although they are quite convinced) we now can't. I was really really looking forward to it and it would have been extra special for me as it's 3 years next week that my Dad passed away and was somewhere special to him too, but hey ho it's fine. It has to be. The fact that actually it isn't fine and that right now I'm really really upset isn't an issue at all. The fact that I just walked out into the garden and asked for 5 minutes apparently means Im having a go at him and I'm blaming him. I'm not. I'm just gutted... I don't get why it's ok for him to go into a crash about something, yet I'm not allowed a 10 minute wobble when I am upset.. It makes it so hard. I have feelings too and nope, they aren't all happy and shiny and fabulous, but the mask is a good one - it has to be or he wont cope and that is worse...

I know it will get better - but tbh I'm wondering how much longer I give it.. nearly 12 years is a long time......

Tabitha

2010-08-26T07:15:00.002+01:00

Yesterday my laptop died. I am gutted, I loved my laptop although everyone else complained about how slow she was, that she couldn't run most of the web pages which the sprogs like to use (actually I think that was a bonus in many respects! lol) but she died.. Her hard drive just couldn't take any more and this was her third.. Apparently (according to WSH who knows these things) the strain of working with me was just too much for her to bear!
So yesterday after some frantic phone calls and web searches WSH manages to track down a new laptop for me! This is Tabitha. She is beautiful (Shiney blue Toshiba.. matches my current hair!) She is super fast and is THE most powerful computer that I have ever had! I think she is wonderful!!!!!!
I also managed to install all my favourite software and CAN actually run both skype and internet at the same time!! This for me is more than slightly exciting!!!

So Tabitha and I shall be together for ages and are very much in love.. 'scuse us whilst we go and actually "surf" the net rather than paddling hard on a lillo going backwards! |

Fed up and miserable..

2010-08-15T16:05:00.002+01:00

You know when you have had enough and honestly don't think you can take much more? Then more shit happens? Yup? well that's how I feel today..

Yesterday I dyed my hair. Not unusual I do it all the time, but I did think that WSH might actually notice as instead of it being a reddy purpley colour it is now "cosmic blue" (more black than anything). I did it whilst he was out... Did he notice? Nope... Did he say more than 3 words unrealated to a computer game to me last night? Nope. Did he compliment me on the curry I had made for him for his tea which was made from scratch and which took hours to do properly with the "help" of the sprogs? Nope. Did he comment on the fact that I have blitzed the downstairs of the house this morning whilst also entertaining 3 children, helping one of them with Tombraider? Nope. Did he even say "thanks" for the bacon and egg sandwich I made for him at lunchtime? Nope. Has he done either of the 2 things I asked him to do when he came in today? Nope. Is he still sitting as his computer feeling sorry for himself because I lost the plot when something on the forum went wrong and dared to ask for his technical help? Yup. Do I feel taken for granted, shit, worthless and totally crap? Yup. Today I do.

Maybe it's me, maybe it is all my fault.. I don't expect grand gestures, just a "thanks" would be nice or a "wow you've done loads today"... but no, I get nothing.. Now he's not even talking to me... bloody marvellous.

I'm fed up.

He has promised to work on something for me, again I'm still waiting. I spend my life waiting for him, and then generally end up doing it myself. But this time I'm pissed off about it. Really pissed off about it. I have put other people off helping because he "wants to be involved in the design process"... That's all very well and good, but if you aren't going to do it then what's the fing point?

Im pissed off about being spoken to like crap by certain people. I don't know how much more I can take. Have I wasted the last 11 years? Where are things going? I don't like where they are now, but I don't know if he is wanting to fight for things as much as I have done in the past... now I don't know how much more fight I have left...

Lost and found?

2010-08-12T15:39:00.003+01:00

Blimey it's been a long time....

Strange things have happened, mostly to me though... I feel restless, disillusioned and ready to change things.

First I am planning a makeover on DWD. This should be great, but it's taking time and right now I am frustrated by it all. I *know* what I want, but that is appearing to get lost in the "I want to design it how I want it then you can make changes" coming from WSH who is doing the techie side of things..... OK I said, fine, you do that and I shall tell you what changes I want making... although I'd like it done with some priority, not when you feel up to it.... and please don't tell me that "my head isn't working" anymore, because I don't particularly care tbh, you said I had to let you do this, so fing do it! I could have had it done ages ago......

So yeah, restless, disillusioned and tbh somewhat lost. I am trying to figure out who I am, where I want to go etc... I seem to have got lost during the time as someone's "other half", someone's "mother", someone's"wife"...I need to find me...

So I have made a decision. I am making a list and I am going to stick at it. I am going to do something with my NaNo Novel from last year, I am going to look into my "return to Teaching" course and go for it. Unless I can magic up the finances to do a counselling course as I'd like to do that too! I am going to complete my cross stitch sampler, my crochet blanket and my wedding album scrapbook.I am going to spend time FOR ME.... Scary stuff for someone who hasn't put themself first in over 10 years!

I am going to give him till the end of the week and then suggest that it might be better to ask someone else to do the new DWD logo and the new forum....

Changes are afoot....

wibble

2010-04-22T09:14:00.002+01:00

Yup, just wibble... I don't really know what else to say..

I think that if I start writing then I won't stop and the tears will fall, the ones I am desperately trying to hide and not let come. The tears of sadness at the death of a neighbour and a wonderful lady, the tears of frustration and despair at the way that things are with WSH. The tears of fedupness and pissedoffness at oh, so much right now.

Believe it or not I'm actually a sparkly happy person, yet things seem to be having a bigger effect on me than I am prepared for right now. That bothers me. Normally when he slips and slides into a depressive state I can normally shrug it off and just get on with it, but this time Im finding it harder to do tbh. I know it's a blip, I know it will all sort itself out, but Im tired of fighting this. I'm tired of him not really doing anything to help around the house, of him sleeping all night and then not being able to get up in the morning to do the preschool rush.

Im tired of problems with family.

Looking forward to going out for a coffee with a friend today, although have to take B as he is still home after his op last week and now has an infection, so it looks like he won't be making it back to school on schedule next wednesday after all, never mind. Will be nice to get out of the house for a while, and go somewhere where someone might actually say more than a few words to me at a time....

Strange

2010-04-12T14:33:00.002+01:00

Isn't it strange how when things start to get on top of you that someone says something which can have two effects? Yup today has been "one of those days". WSH isn't great, the kids know and are oblivious in the most, although B is asking more about the op and stuff and acting up big time.

It's odd, I have just read some comments by Pete, I haven't answered them, just left them and they have made me cry - in a good way. I honestly don't think that my friend realises just how grateful I am for him and for my other really close friends - those I don't have to pretend to, those who I can honestly say "things aren't fantastic right now" and who I know will be there, those who won't judge me when I say things like "I really screwed up" or "I know I didn't handle that very well at all" etc. Those who will help me take my mind of anything and everything else, those who are just the most special people in the world. To all of you I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I'm cross with someone today. I'm really cross. It started as a "mild irritation" (a bit like thrush) but now is really getting to me. I know that at some point I am going to blow a gasket with them and it's really not a good idea, I have a lot to lose. So tell me what do I do? Keep smiling sweetly and pretending that everything is ok and that I don't mind being treated like shit or do I tell them what I feel and lose quiet a lot that I hold dear and really really important to me...

Decisions decisions.. Although if another comment or 3 are made then I may let my fingers actually say what I am thinking.........

slips, biopsys

2010-04-12T08:52:00.002+01:00

WSH is sliding, and sliding fast.

It's hard, really hard.

Hopefully I can pick him back up again, I need him to be well and "with it" for Wednesday when B has to have his op on his manly bits.

I need to change his CPN too

My head hurts, I had a scalp biopsy on Friday, still not allowed to wash my hair or brush it, can't dye it till next week and I need to get it cut, but impossible with stitches!

Hey ho, going to take them out today...

Eggs, Cars, Tags and Crashes...

2010-04-04T14:44:00.002+01:00

Why is it with depression that one thing leads to another, one minor incident can cause a complete crash? That being as it is, why when a major thing happens does it lead to paranoia, depression, giving up, feelings of self hatred etc....

I spose I should explain more.. Late last night WSH went out to his car to get the eggs which the Easter Bunny had left in the boot for safe keeping and which we had said that we would leave out for him to hide... WSH comes back in really odd, walking differently etc and just says "Some little shites have tagged my fing car" and walks off.

After a while I went out to look and yes, some children (it has to be children looking at it) have indeed tagged his car; half of the bonnet in red permanent marker and the drivers door in black. Why? I just don't understand it.

WSH has decided that that it is, the car now needs to have this cleaned off and be sold. In his opinion if he leaves it, then it will get worse as they will do more, if he cleans it off (and it needs to be cleaned off as it has obscenities over the bonnet which I do not wish my children to read, which by the way are spelt wrongly.....) then next time it will be keyed or the windows smashed or worse, so he says.

So our lovely fun filled family Easter Sunday isn't quite going as planned, I am relieved that he is up and has been talking to the kids and stuff, but he is quiet, he is down, he is numb, he is... he just is...

I really don't understand the whole tagging thing. I love graffiti, proper graffiti. It's an art form, it's truly amazing, but tagging? That's just shit. Why on a car? Why anywhere?

Oh and btw you don't spell it f u k you spell it f u c k idiots....

Mind you on the plus side the Easter Bunny did leave chocolate....

So I am sitting waiting for the neighbourhood police team to call... apparently within 24 hours (from 1130 last night).... I wonder what they will say? I wonder what they will do? Erm, not a lot?

Yay for chocolate though...

Doesn't time fly....

2010-03-25T11:01:00.002Z

When you are having fun? Or not..

Anyway not having the best of weeks, tis all a big bit shit. And then to top it off I really thought that today was going to be better and it turns out that ASDA can't deliver my shopping correctly and they have smashed 7 out of 12 eggs so now I have to go out shopping too! RAR!!!!!

Things are pootling atm, not really getting anywhere fast, but still moving which has to be good I spose.

Oh something wonderful has happened too, tis not all doom and gloom as much as it may feel and sound like it... Someone called me awesome. I think that's lovely, I don't think of myself like that at all, but it's nice to know that others do...

My middle child is officially about genius level apparently. something we have been saying for ages, but it's true. The research team from Cambridge say so! YAY!

Must go as Mum is coming up for a surprise visit....

stomach bugs, sickness

2010-02-18T21:14:00.002Z

1/2 Term and we have had to cancel everything that we had planned due to the most horrible stomach bug that we have had... OMG projectile vomit and diarrhoea from 3 small people all at the same time was SO not my idea of fun!

Thought we were all better, but now WSH has come down with something which screws the plans for the rest of the week!

The sprogs are being brilliant about everything though and I think that it is bothering me more than them, but hey ho...

Gave B my debit card tonight as he wanted to order me a birthday pressie! Brave or stupid? Well he was thrilled with the honour tbh and we talked about how much trust it would be. Turned out that he needed help to order it anyway so I know exactly what is coming but how cute is that? He searched the net and found me something he thinks is perfect!!! :)

I want snow. I want snow late on Sunday night and to last the whole week so that the school is shut and I don't have to take the kids back to school. I don't want to. They have been lovely (although sicky and pooey) this holiday, but it just doesn't last long enough... I don't want to send them back!

lol

2010-01-30T08:41:00.002Z

I was quite convinced I had updated this blog many many times, I know I had meant to... obviously what was in my head never made it to here! lol But it's ok, I know what happened to November last year ;)

I wrote a novel. I took part in NaNoWriMo and I did it! I fulfilled the challenge to write a 50,000 word novel in a month! Im now working on editing it so I can get it printed and for sale! lol

Christmas was manic, with H's birthday and party too!

January has flown by and I can't believe its February on Monday!

Thank Crunchie...

2009-10-23T09:31:00.001+01:00

ITs FRIDAY!!!

Having a better day today. Thanks everyone for listening yesterday. P I followed your advice and said a very very big "FUCK IT!" to everything..

I also got the results of H's bloodtests yesterday - something I was really worried about and she got not only the all clear but is totally "perfect" so YAY!!!!!

Really have to fly as Im meant to be in Cafe Nero in 10 mins! lol Just wanted to say ty!!!!

Thursday

2009-10-22T11:16:00.002+01:00

ok am feeling shit today. Having a crappy day. Too much stuff in my head, too many things which need to be put back in their boxes and put somewhere to deal with later..

Am tired. Am really really tired of not being good enough. Am tired of trying. Am tired of failing. Am tired of trying to live up to everyone's expectations and failing. Am tired of fighting system after fucking system and person after fucking person. When will things get easier?

Im 31 and still a disappointment to my mother. "So isnt it about time you got a proper job?" Really fucking hurt. How would she know what I do all day? I dont sleep or watch tv sat on my arse all day. I dont stop. Why was it ok for her to be a sahm and for my little sister and why is it not ok for me? Dont get me wrong, I want to find a job that I want to do, that my mobility issues let me do and which fits in around the kids too... but I just dont have the room in my head to sort it out now. That and that there arent the jobs out there - not even in teaching. Besides Im not sure if thats what I want to do anymore. Im torn. Totally torn.

Im angry, Im emotional. I need someone to understand, I need someone to give a shit and right now it doesn't feel that there is anyone, that I am all alone - me against the world and I don't have the energy for it today. Today I am tired. Today I want to say "fuck it" to everything, but don't have the mental or emotional capability. I am hurting both mentally and physically today. Im tired....

In about 10 mins

2009-10-19T23:49:00.001+01:00

It would have been my Dads birthday.

Happy Birthday Dad in 10 minutes... thinking of you and missing you every day..

Lost..

2009-08-22T17:41:00.003+01:00

do you ever feel like your life has passed you by? do you ever think I wonder what would have happened if... Do you ever wonder whether the people who you went to school with or knew when you were younger really are having the wonderful lives that it seems they are?

I think that these things have all popped into my head during the course of the day, I miss people, I miss going out with mates, not having to try to bribe someone into babysitting.. I miss being able to stay up all night playing stupid computer without then feeling all the consequences of 3 little people the following day.

I dont know what I want to do with my life, and this scares me if Im honest. I think it must be the start of empty nest sydrome or something.. All my babies will be at full time school by September 22nd and I was always planning on returning to teaching, but what with the addition of "stick" Im just not sure I can. I don't want to teach in mainstream and Im not physically able to teach in the sector I like.. So I have been thinking about doing something different.

Strange I know, but I think I want to work in mental health. Ive always wanted to be a pysch, but I couldnt hack the medical school.. So Im trawling the net for courses.. but I cant afford it. Its gutting we have all the "right" benifits etc for the OU to totally fund a degree which I could do at home (Which is perfect and what Id like) BUT because I have a degree already (even though I funded that myself) I dont qualify and I cant afford it.. so looks like its out for now.

Who knows, not a good day for the whole "where am I going?" stuff... Add to that but the kids managed to shut the cats tail in the door and Im not sure if he is ok, and WSH has had a fing horrible migraine.. Bloody hell, what a night! Im ready for bed...

Apple slicers, BBQs, Lolcatz ..and the dreaded depression....

2009-08-22T09:55:00.004+01:00

Well, lets start in semi alphabetical order, why not? It may not be chronologically in order, but is that really important?

Anyway.. APPLE SLICERS! You know, the ones which are round and which slices and cores an apple in one go? Thats it, the one that in our house the children are allowed to get out of the cupboard, allowed to get a chopping board to do it on, but are NOT allowed to use without adult supervision... Hmm well a week ago yesterday my lovely lovely princess H decided to use it without anyone around, she had been told to wait for a moment, she didnt.. the first thing we knew about it was a scream... Loads and loads of blood later and several hours in various medical places and she has a steristripped thumb.. It turns out that the chinese style rounded plates are actually not the best thing to be doing the apple slicing on! She really enjoyed looking inside the thumb and its was a huge cut.. Apparently it was rather close to being tendon damage.
Since then she has picked off the steristrips more times than I care to think about. The walk in centre gave us 8 spare strips to last us 7 - 10 days. Hmm I think not small puppy.. We have had to buy several more packs from the chemist! Bless her not being scared at all in the slightest! Rock 'ard my Princess!

BBQs comes next in my alphabetical wonderland today.. We had THE most wonderful BBQ with our lovely friends from Devon on Tuesday.. E, her Mum and her boys were off to Chessington on Wednesday and came to us on Tuesday pm. The boys all just "slotted in" and played with my sprogs so well... E and I had a great chat, and just general fun and relaxation was had by all! WSH and I were chatting later and couldnt believe how fab it had been, how well the kids had all played, and how long it had been since we had done anything like that!

Lolcatz.. Well ok, this is just plain daft really, but you know when you are outside really late (about just past midnight) and you are having a cigarette in the dark with your huby and the most daft things pop into your head? Yeah well that was what it was like last night.. We were sitting outside (note to self must save up for lovely garden chairs, cant stand those plastic ones!) watching the stars and it suddenly occured to me that in the next year or so it should be the time of the census. We were just chatting about when the last one came out and there was the net campaign to get Jedi recognised as a new religion and we just started pissing ourselves at the concept of getting lolcatz (all homage to Icancheezeburger!!!) recognised as a new language and all the govenment forms having to be available in the aforementioned lolcatz..

"Oh hi! You has monies in banx?" "Hi, you haz congratz you gets monies" etc...

Anyway, tickled me last night... so thought i would share.. But seriously how cool would that be???????

WSH has been feeling a bit shit recently.. in fact the last couple of days he has been feeling a big bit shit. Its "just" depression and I know that it will be ok, but its really hard for him and its selishly really hard for me. I have got used to having "him" back, not having to tread on eggshells, watch what I say, try to keep the kids quiet etc... It will pass, but I wish it would just fuck off and never come back. Postitivity all the way is the order for the day.. Even though he doesnt see it, he is feeling really shite, BUT he is out of bed. This is a huge thing to me, but he just doesnt get why I/he should be pleased when he is doing something so normal and it shoudnt be a challenge.. Hey ho, I have tea (thanks WSH) and as I said, I know its "just" a blip and will all be fine..

oops lol

2009-08-03T10:25:00.006+01:00

crumbs what happened? Its been nearly a month since I updated this! Where has the time gone? (oh God, now I have a song from "me too" going through my head!)

Today I am meeting up with a very special person and am really excited about seeing her again! We are going to meet up here.. www.tropicalzoo.org with her 4 boys, my 3 sprogs and going to have a blast!

Tis the school holidays and we have already survived swine flu (although Im still not convinced that is what it was tbh), been blackberry picking, made blackberry jam, played various computer games, had lots of fun etc

I have to sort out another war between the sprogs, so will try to update more later!

4th July

2009-07-04T09:43:00.002+01:00

Its a day of mixed emotions. Today should have been my parents wedding anniversary. We had planned that all of their chldren and grandchildren would spend the day with Mum, having a picnic, taking one of Dads lengendary walks in the New Forest. Unfortunately with the amazing heatwave Mum has cancelled it as she isnt feeling very well and she just cant face it, its just too much. Fair enough, even though I was looking forward to it.

Let me tell you something, my Parents gave up so many of their wedding anniversary's for my secondary school "Open Days" traisping around the school watching drama productions, listening to choirs, orchestras, bands, looking round the art block.. I will never forget some of those days.. The first one we went to was soo funny. I went to an all girls private secondary school (which shall remain nameless for the moment!) and on the "invitation" (which wasnt an invitation at all, these things were not optional!) it said "a picnic luncheon"... So lunch time arrives and being complete fish out of water my parents and I watch in awe as out come the picnic tables, the chairs, the parasols, the champagne etc etc out of the jags, mercs, etc etc My Mum quietly said "we'll go and eat ours in the car".. off we trundled to the car and out came some sandwhiches contained in an old ice cream box, a flask of tea and one of coffee!!! Oh my Dad found the whole experience hysterically amusing, and omg did he get joke after joke from it! "Silver cutlery.. its a picnic for gawd sake!!"

My dad had a habit of calling everyone "my love" and my headmistress really didnt know what to do when he went over to her, threw his arms around her and gave her a great big bear hug and said "alright my love?"... I don't think that Lord and Lady XXX had ever thought about greeting her like that.. At the time I was mortified, just wanted the ground to swallow me up, but looking back it was really funny. It became a bit of a standing joke with them actually, and the deputy head too!

Another time there were serious traffic problems, so Dad being Dad doned his dayglow yellow vest (which he always had in the car along with f knows how many tools, etc!) and started directing traffic with "the staff". My Mum totally ignored him, walked away as if she didn't know him at all! She hardly spoke to him (certainly not politely) after that. It was always really important that they fitted in, but they just didnt. They couldnt, but that wasn't important to Dad, he wouldnt ever compromise who hae was and what he believed in. I owe him for that. I owe Mum too. She worked night shifts in an old folks home, spent days cleaning and doing no end of jobs which she hated to put me through that school, I am really grateful...

So happy 4th July...

Dear Dad

2009-06-20T13:13:00.003+01:00

Im finding this weekend tough Dad, I could really do with talking to you, but you aren't here anymore so I spose I'm writing this to you in some small vain hope that you will help me through anyway...

Its the first fathers day since you left us and a huge part of me says I should come down and be with everyone else, that I should come to your grave and talk to you there, but honestly love I cant afford the petrol and Marcs really not well enough to do a journey like that and Im not sure if I can do it on my own with the kids right now. Im so tired.. I know its sounds crap and I would love to be there, but honestly I dont see that sitting (or not as the case may be) by your grave is going to bring me any closer than talking to you as I do everyday whilst holding my locket that you gave me will.. Im struggling Dad. I wish more than anything that you were here with me and that I could call you and talk to you. I know that you would be there to talk sense and let me talk through all the shit that is going on right now.

I dont know how much longer I can hold everyone else together Dad. I know you did it for.. well forever really. You were so much stronger than me. Help me Dad.

How can I get Marc through this? Hes having a really shitty time coming off the prozac - I know hes done it the "wrong" way, but honestly Dad he couldnt have done it the "right" way. I know you would understand as you hated taking any form of medicine.. Hes upstairs at the moment as hes finding the noise of the kids just playing too much to cope with. I wish I could make it better, but I just cant.

Mums struggling and I cant help her either.. I try, but what else can I do apart from listen? JAck is amazing, although she must be in a really crappy place right now too. Its not only fathers day and the first one since you left us, but Chris too so her Rob and Hannah must be in pieces too. I dont know how she does it.

Its the Summer Saltice tomorrow Dad and would have been Miss Slades birthday. I will never forget her, she was sooooo cool, especially for such an old lady! Do you remember telling me all about the antics of people at Stonehenge? You made it sound so ridiculous! You always had such a good way of telling stories.

I know its silly but I still feel that I have let you down Dad. I couldnt read the poem at your funneral, spent all the time in tears.. I havent done so much, Im not running scouts any more at the moment and I just wish you were here to tell me its all ok.. Im sorry...

Dad I miss you.. Tell me its all going to be ok.. I could really do with hearing your voice right now, the voice of compassion and reason.. Where are you????????????????

Im sitting here in floods of tears with so much worry in my head and so few people to talk to about any of it, everyone else has their own shit..

I love you Dad..

Ramblings..

2009-06-19T11:45:00.002+01:00

My head is in a bit of a mess really, not sure what the reason is, but things are "odd" at home, other pressures, changing my meds.. who knows could be loads of things..

WSH has stopped his prozac. Just stopped taking them. Part of me wants to be furious with him, but I always knew that he would and I knew that this was going to happen. No point being cross, just deal with the situation.. Hes acltually been fabulous, like he was when we were first together - fun, laughing and smiling and really laid back. He has spent lots of time with the kids which has been great too... Im just worried, but grabbing hold of each "good day".

B has had a nightmare at swimming resulting in me withdrawing him from swimming with the school, writing a very long letter of complaint and asking a good friend to take him and teach him and get him over his fear of water..

Mad hair day today for the girls, B had his yesterday as he is off on a school trip to the Polka Theatre today (so cool, great place in Wimbledon). So they have 6 and 7 hair ties respectively, Hs hair is bright pink and Fs is pink, red (which is more orange) and blue!

Dreamcatcher update and stuff!

2009-06-13T11:20:00.002+01:00

Wow, well dreamcatchers are still working, they are still sleeping through the night, this is brilliant news!

Its amazing really.. A friend of mine from dealing with depression "reads" dreamcatchers. He was totally spot on with the kids, really really impressive. He has never met my kids at all - him being in Utah, and me being in the wilds of Surrey.. He really pinpointed them all. He said that F is having an issue with the ground (fear of bugs), that H is happy, but shy and that B is having issues in his room - again he hates the colour of it and wants it changed but cant decide what to.. I was amazed! Really really impressive skill of his!

I went to the drs yesterday. She was lovely, as always. Thats why I see her! She was great at listening, answered my fears (really little one, which has magnified in my head so that now it is massive) and gave me new presciption stuff to try to help, which is good as she knows that I have been taking too many painkillers... So new painkillers, some other stuff - chrondosine and condroitine (or some such spelling!lol) and was great.

Im going to dye my hair this weekend, Im hoping to get it done today, but you never know.. I hate being grey!

Soooo much to do and have a major case of CBAness! Hey ho, needs must though I spose.

My project is almost ready to be launched, but there is one section which WSH just cant get to work, he says hes a bit out of his depth and I think hes about given up which is a real bugger.. but hopefully he will just do something simpler for now so we can launch it properly then work on the more complex idea for later....

Anyway really must get some stuff done..

2009-06-11T11:00:00.002+01:00

We made dreamcatchers as the girls have not been sleeping well and they kept waking up with "bad dreams"... Has been horrible - I have to admit to being about ready to try anything! So after talking to some wonderful people (DWD crew, you know who you are!) and being told about the Indian ways of making them and what each bit stands for we had a go! Nope, not authentic, but I think rather funky and they made them all by themselves (apart from me cutting out the shapes and helping F with the threading of the shapes!) They even took the photos themselves!

Meet the dreamcatchers!

H's + toes!

F's + toes!

B's:

Mine (for demo purploses only you understand!)

The result? 3 children who all went to bed far better than they have in ages, who went to sleep far quicker ("the dreamcatcher was giving us good dreams as soon as we snuggled down, we didnt have any choice but go to sleep mummy") and who slept ALL NIGHT!!!!

So night one = SUCCESS!!!!!

Meet "Stick"

2009-06-05T09:57:00.002+01:00

I am being good, am using my new best friend "stick". The kids think its seriously cool, not over sure about that, but glad that its not something that they are embarrassed about....

Anyhow WSH and sprogs have fully customised it for me and now Im well and truly "pimped" and ready to go! pmsl!!!!

Original handle...

Original stick...

"Pimped" Stick

"pimped" handle:

I had a lovely call from A the physio on Wednesday just to check that a) I was using stick and b) to see how I was getting on. She was lovely, but did tell me that if I didnt use stick then I would have to have a frame (think zimmer with wheels) in the next few months. So stick and I are now happily found wandering through and about around our local area.

Actually Ive been amazed at some of the reactions of people. If they know me then either they look at me as if they want to ask why, but dont have the guts to, or they ask and then "Im sorry" or "but you are so young" tend to be uttered. Im lucky that I have an old friend who is trying to find as many cripple jokes as she can, which is good.. although she had run out today and needs the weekend to come up with more! I was tres disappointed!
I have had doors held open for me, people apologising for coming through a door before me and amazing other things! Its all quite amusing really how much differently I am being treated in certain situations all coz of stick! The old biddies seem to want to stop and talk to me more now too! LOL

Physio today!

2009-06-01T11:00:00.001+01:00

Well she was lovley! Truely truely lovely! We had a nice chat and I am now the proud (or not, but getting there) owner of a lovely silver stick with a wierd handle.... The good news is that its mine for ever and that Marc can customise it for me.. Im not a huge fan of the nhs style! Its all been fitted for me, so its good to go. She was impressed with my stair ability and that I have found ways to do everything that I need to.
She agreed with you that its something that's meant to be able to make life easier, and she said that I need that!
She has offered to refer me to SS for some extra help and stuff, but I said that atm I just want to take things one step (lol) at a time, which she agreed to and left me her number to get in contact with her as and when needed.
We discussed exercise as this was a big issue for me, and she has told me that walking in water is a brilliant thing to do and also to push a float down as it will help strengthen my shoulders more. I said Im not a fan of public pools and she laughed, but agreed that the kids pool I have will be perfect. She said try for 10 mins every other day, then once a day and then do some "sitting" in the water (as long as I can get up!) and then progress up to 30 mins. All achievable.. and I wont feel so stupid doing it in my garden!
So very positive in general!

Also, on another very silly side note, this is my 50th post to this blog! :)

sticks, beds and sleepiness

2009-05-30T16:08:00.003+01:00

Had a phonecall yesterday. Its kind of thrown my head out of synch with the rest of me itms? Back in November my GP (who is lovely) referred me to occupational therapy. I didn't hear anything for months and so went back to see her so she chased it up (turns out I got lost in the system, poor me! :) ) and then a couple of months ago I had a phonecall from someone from "community rehab" who thought it was most peculiar I had been referred to them and it appeared to be a system glitch and I would be hearing from either them or OT later on as they would have to have a meeting about me and who I should be seeing. Well (get to the point woman!) yesterday I had a phonecall from someone who sounds lovely called A who is a physio from community rehab and she wants to come out and see me on monday. She said she has a range of sticks and other mobility aids which she is going to test out with me and she should be leaving me with something to help then just arrange follow up appoints.

On the one hand this is fucking fantastic news. It wont be such a struggle to get the kids to school (3 journeys a day) and it will be something that alerts people to the fact that there is something wrong, not that I am just slow and in the way and that I lean on things when needed. Apparently it also means I should be trying to get a blue badge! LOL!

On the other hand, this is really really hard. I had got my head round it in November, was ready for it, ready to accept that things weren't ideal and that I could get some help, that I needed and asked for that help. Its now May, Ive got out of that, and once again Im trying to look at the positives, not the negatives. Its also the whole self conciousness thing. How many questions, strange looks, comments etc am I going to get from the kids, the parents in the playground (dreaded anyway), family etc etc etc etc the list is never ending. Does this also mean that I wont be able to teach any more? Not that I am at the moment, but does it mean I definately cant in the future????? Same with scouts. I hadnt ruled not going back as a leader.. does this mean I cant? So many questions, so many wonderings....

We got a new bed a few days ago and its beautiful. We got it from freecycle (I love freecycle) and its an antique king size mahogony sleigh bed. Its fing heavy though! But we did it and we got it togther last night, oh its SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO lovely and comfy and its all ours!!!!!!!!!! Ive always wanted one, so its ultimately exciting! However my princesses obviously needed to test it out last night too hence the sleepiness.. 4 in a bed...... so many past thoughts, not nearly so appealing now its children joining us! ;)

wayhey!

2009-05-29T09:12:00.003+01:00

OK so once again time seems to have passed me by and I havent updated my blog (slaps wrists and gives self stern talking to!)....

WSH is good, I mean really good and its like having "him" back... Everything changed when we went on holiday to Wales last week. OMG it was like another world. People look at me strangely when I say that I got my family back, but I really did.
B and his Aspergers was just accepted, no one judged and he was just accepted... WSH spent HOURS every day with the sprogs, something that he hasnt done for literally YEARS and he enjoyed it! We went to the shows almost every night and everyone had a blast!
The pace of life was different, not necessarily slower, but different. Everyone was really friendly and stopped for a chat! Seriously wanting to emmigrate (do you emmigrate to Wales after the devolution?? :D)
Anyway since the marvellous holiday things have gone from strength to strength. He is decorating our room - its a massive job, it was piled high in crap and stuff and he is hand making all the cupboards, wardrobes and units as well as stripping off all the hideous wallpaper! Im incredibly proud...

Why today?

2009-05-09T12:58:00.001+01:00

WSH today has decided that he "needs to FEEL something, anything" as he says he hasnt felt anything for years since being on the prozac.. So he is going through listening to music which does or has meant anything to him at all. Now Im totally sympathetic and I know hes having a hard time with this but why today? Why on a saturday when the kids are at home and we go away on holiday really soon? If he does get to "feel" something then hes likely to come crashing down as he is only listening to stuff which has been linked to sad events in his life but if it doesnt work and he doesnt feel anything then he said that "there is no hope of feeling anything" and so thats going to cause him to crash down anyway.
honestly Im tired. Im tired of trying to keep his spirits up. Im also hurt. I cant help it but I am. His mum came over (she always pops in on saturday to take the kids to the sweet shop) and said to him what about your wedding day? he said he felt a little happiness, but nothing major - his feelings were all still nulled. She asked him about the birth of F - again he said he didnt really feel anything. So if I and the children are not giving him any feelings then what will music do? What will happen if he has no hope? His CPN is coming round on Wednesday, but this isnt something that I can call the emergency out of hours about, but I honestly dont know what to do..
F is going to her bestest friend in the whole widest world's birthday party this afternoon which brings its own issues (her allergies) and the plan was that I would take her and he would have the others. He "cant" so I have to take all 3 fight for a parking space or walk down a really busy road with them. OK not a huge problem, and something thats ok but its just the point. Im tired and hurting both mentally and physically too, just would be nice not to have to do everything alone today. Its 8 months today that my Dad passed away and right now I could do with some support, but I know it wont even have entered his head.
I know that ll will be ok and I have already decided that IF he crashes down about going away then I will be transferring all the money from his account into mine and taking the children away anyway without him giving him the option to come on train later if he wants to. I NEED this holiday.

Woohooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! F**K IT!!!

2009-05-07T11:46:00.002+01:00

As anyone who knows me really well knows I am slightly obsessed (in a good way, I promise) with a certain book by a certain author! John C. Parkin's "F**K IT!" has changed my life hugely, so much for the better and last night I bit the bullet so to speak and emailed him.. I know how sad?? :D I didnt proof read it when I wrote it and it just "sort of flowed" from my head.. iykwim??

This is my email:

Hi,
Im sure you get 1000000000000000000000's of emails every day and Im
quite sure that this will end up never being read or find its way to
spam, but honestly I said fuck it and decided I would write you an
email, something Ive been thinking about doing for a while.. but today
is the day that I have 10 mins to do this!
My name is Suzi and I was bought your book (well not yours, but you
know what I mean!) for my 31st birthday by my big sister who had read
it herself and thought it was great. Well I have to thank you from the
bottom of heart! I live a very complex and difficult life with a
husband who has severe clinical depression, our eldest has aspergers
and we have 2 daughters as well. My dad passed away last september
from the cancer caused by asbestosis and he died a terrible death, but
hes gone and thats that. Since then I have been supporting my mum who
lives over 1 1/2 hours away from me and my little sister whose husband
(and father to her 2 little people) died 3 months earlier of leukemia
- honestly you couldnt make it up. I have arthritis and am losing the
use of my knee whilst trying hard to hold everything together. Then my
mother in law announced that she had found a lump in her breast, and
my husbands nan died last month of a massive asthma attack. Really
things have been properly shite. Thats just the tip of the iceberg...
So why am I telling you this? Because ('scuse the appaling grammer and
spelling please!) I read your book and honestly everything seemed so
much easier to deal with..
So what if the house is in a state? Fuck it!, so what if my husband is
having a "crash"? Fuck it, I cant change it, I can only deal with what
I have in front of me at any given time.. I have lost over a stone
since february and I put it down totally to being more "at peace" (yes
i know it sounds shit) with myself and my situations.
I have recommended your book to so many people including my neighbour
and on the website that I run www.dealingwithdepression.co.uk and my
husbands CPN.

Sorry to have rambled... actually no Im not, fuck it!
Thank you for changing my life! Im hoping at some point in the future
when I win the lottery and find someone to have the kids and husband
to come to the hill that breathes as it looks and sounds heavenly...
Suzi

Anyway, I wasnt expecting anything back, I hoped for an automated response along the lines of "thanks for getting in touch we will get to this at the end of the next millenium" or something.. BUT I GOT A RESPONSE!! A PERSONAL ONE!!!! Im totally thrilled and it has made me really really smile!!!

His response to me:

Suzi,

Yes, your beautiful message has been read.
And I thank you so much for sending it.

You've really been through it, and are really going through it...
you're on the front-line...
so to find that F**k It has really helped you is a joy to me...
I'm so pleased some of my words have helped in such difficult circumstances.

You are a true F**kiteer. If there were F**kiteer awards I'd have you up there on the podium giving you a gold medal.
You're an inspiration to me... and I suspect you're an inspiration to everyone around you.

So, thanks for your message.
And let's stay in touch.
I have an idea to do a book of people's inspirational F**k It stories... and I'd love you to be in that, if it happens.

Johnx

Well Ive emailed back (surprisingly enough) and I cant stop beaming! Im really excited, I love this book, I talk about it all the time and for the author to have written back to me?! Well Im just me, nothing "inspirational" or special, just me.... But by goodness am i thrilled to bits!

And now you all think Im totally sad.....

well.... in true fuckiter style...

FUCK IT!!!!!!

10 years ago today..

2009-04-09T10:43:00.002+01:00

My now WSH got down on one knee and proposed. We had been "together" for 5 day! It was the best decision of my life to say yes!

If you will forgive a trip down memory lane.... It was such a bizarre evening. I was working behind the bar on a REALLY busy night as there was a Karaoke night in the pub and WSH kept coming up asking me (getting more drunk each time) "If I asked you to marry me, would you say yes?" So when he finally plucked up the courage to actually "do the deed" he was SOOO pissed and SOO funny.. he was shaking so much, he took me out to the pub garden, got down on one knee and asked me to marry him! Awwwww!! I said yes without any hesitation and then we called my Mum who was unsurprisingly quite shocked that they had never met him, we hadn't been together for even a week and I had agreed to spend the rest of my life with him!

I then had to go back to work and spend the rest of the night with a VERY cheesy grin!

Its been a bloody hard 10 years, too many deaths, too hard for so many reasons, but honestly I dont think I would change a thing as it has made us how we are and how strong we are.

We had been planning to get married today, we thought that we had left it soo long that we might as well leave it until the 10 year thing! I am so glad that we didn't wait as My Dad, my brother in law and M's Nan would not have been there and our oldest and closest friend Ashley would not have been as well as he was when he was M's Best Man due to his brain haemorrage last year.. They say things happen for a reason and all that...

My adorable husband got me a bonzai tree (now christened Boris) and a box full of bits to make scrapbooks with (Im not very good, but I totally enjoy it and find it brilliant to chill out!) . I was blown away with the gifts, really didnt expect anything like those at all! My gift to him is sitting in my pocket as it has just arrived... I cant wait to give it to him!

So it continues...

2009-04-04T10:29:00.002+01:00

M's family are broken. Its as simple as that really. They have spent the last 2 days clearing out her home. Its awful. Its so sad. Some are apparently just after things for the monetry value of items, others are just wanting things because they meant a lot to her. They are there again today. The coroner has deemed the cause of death as a massive asthma attack, but her GP and the coroner are really angry. Apparently she should never have been discharged from the hospital she was in and they are going to launch an investigation. Apparently if she had been treated "properly" then she would still have been in ICU on a nebuliser, not having been discharged and now passed away..

RIP Jean

2009-04-01T13:08:00.001+01:00

We had a phone call to tell us that M's Nan passed away last night. Looks like it might have been a heart attack, although the coroner has to go back again. Apparently she was getting out of bed during the night and pulled the emergency cord in her sheltered accomodation. Within a couple of minutes the staff were with her and it only took 9 minutes for the ambulance to get to her. She had passed away before the staff got to her, so thankfully it was quick.

RIP Jean.

Marcs not coping very well, none of his family are as it was such a shock. Hopefully there won't be a need for a PM but we shall have to see..

ARGH!!

2009-03-30T19:34:00.001+01:00

Things are just awful as far as school is concerned.. I am leaving my baby crying every morning, it is taking all 3 staff to take her off me.. Its really really horrible and I hate it.
I am in shit with the school, they still want me to take them to the dr each time they are off sick - totally ridiculous. I am waiting for educational welfare to call me as i called them and asked for them to call me. Will be calling them tomorrow as i havent heard anything..
Marcs having a bad day. Which impacts on everything even as much as he doesnt mean it to. He cant help it. I know its to do with the changing of the clocks.
My back and knee are really painful, but again there is nothing i can do about it.

Im just having a tough time, mostly due to lack of sleep. Haz has been having nightmares about school for the last week or so and its exhausting!

Crappy day - literally!

2009-03-26T13:00:00.002Z

OOOOOOOOOO Im so mad! Im furious, Im fing livid!!!!!!!!

After a tough couple of days getting H at school and her having problems where she is telling the teacher that she feels really really poorly and the teacher insisting that there is nothing wrong with her and that she should "sit down and get on with her work" (she is 5!!!!!!!!!!!!!) Yesterday I had the phonecall that M had asked for at 130 to let us know that she ws fine, all ok, no problems she was really happy apparently.. However when I picked her up yesterday I smelt her before I saw her, she had had a diarrhea (sp) in her underwear to the point that she needed showering off.. Apparently she told the teacher who told her she was fine and no problems and that she should finish her work!!! WTF!!!!!!

I called the head teacher and explained how angry I was and that H would not be at school as following Surrey LEA guidelines. She told me that she "can not authorise her as being ill unless I take her to the dr".. Fing ridiculous, this has been going on for a couple of weeks and Ive had enough. So I fought my corner, and was really reserved. Today however I have spent my day removing shit from both my daughters, the toilet, their clothes, the floor (various of), the shower, the bath... etc.. get the idea?

Then mid showering of F I get a phonecall which i miss from the school automated answer machine telling me that the school is trying to get in contact with me and that its a personal matter and i need to contact them urgently... So I call.. Its them because they do not have H listed as not being able to go into school this morning!!!!!!!!!!!! Even though i spent about 30 mins on the phone to the head teacher last night about it!!! Ridiculous!

Fed up. Waiting till monday to speak to the Education Welfare Officer.. SOOOOOOOOO fed up..

Really really need something nice to happen, but what?

Crappy Day...

2009-03-24T13:53:00.002Z

Took H to school today and it took the 3 members of staff to pull her off me as she felt so poorly and wanted to come home. Someone tell me how this is the "right" thing to do as I dont see it, I dont get it and honestly all I want to do is pull them out of school education completely, there aren't many things keeping them in there, the biggest reason is that WSH doesnt want me to pull them out.. Bu t I honestly dont know how much more I can take.........

Nan who is in hospital is having scan after scan, tests for this, tests for that, so hopefully she will make a recovery, although im not sure how much of a good idea the drs will think it is that she goes back to sheltered accomodation as someone somewhere was mentioning proper home situation..

Am all hormonal, which isnt helping.. I have so much to do, but really really can't be arsed to do any of it.. need some sleep, need something as oppose to nightmares and being woken up by WSH or the pooorly children.. ITs all going to be ok, just feels a bit shitty right now. Am also very snotty and bunged up at the same time, didnt even know it was possible to be both at the same time!

Mothers day and hospitals..

2009-03-22T13:43:00.002Z

Well tis mothers day! My adorable sprogletts all made me cards and I had a digestive biscuit (pre dropped on the floor and broken) and a lovely cup of tea with about 1/2 pint of milk in it!! I love my sprogletts. They truly are remarkable little people. Im amazed that they all manged to make me cards even though the girls have been really quite poorly!

Can't get hold of my mum, have tried calling multiple times, for it to only go to answerphone.. She got back from Austria yesterday and now she is out! Alright for some!!!!

Have called round almost everyone I know as H wants to talk to someone on the phone, just for most people to be out!! Do these people have lives????? :)

Marcs Nan had a fall last night and had what they thought was a bad asthma attack she was rushed to hospital, being left by her son in law to get on the ambulance and was all by herself (how disgusted am i????). Turns out it was heart failure caused by fluid on the lungs and she is in a "stable" but not good condition... Its awful....

Anyway, happy mothers day to everyone..

Oops!

2009-03-19T13:03:00.002Z

Crumbs, I was sure I had updated this at least a couple of times, turns out I havent! :)

So many things have happened, mostly little things, but none the less they have happened!

School:

Well apparently my children have "incredibly low and concerning" attendance levels so I was called into a meeting with the new headteacher, the ta in charge of pastoral care and my wsh.. Hmm, not impressed to say the least. I dont think much of the new head lets put it that way, if I said what I thought then I will be done for liable or slander (whichever it is in writing ;) ). I have never come accross someone who is in such a high position of authority who is just so unprofessional! The outcome is that as and when sprogs are ill (the older 2 only as they don't count F as she is only in nursery) I have to take them to the doctor and get a letter from the doctor saying that they have been seen. This is ridiculous! 5 year olds get temperatures, they get ill, too ill for school but not ill enough for the dr. So anyway cue me on Tuesday taking H to the dr for a temp, a cough, lots of snot, a sore throat which wasnt tonsilitis then (but is now :( ) and a letter. Dr was not impressed at school!

Need to make appointment with senco (useless) to sort some stuff for B. We have the diagnosis of Aspergers which makes things easier and life at home seems to be easier for him as I have changed the way that I am asking him things and the way that I am dealing with his challenging behaviour and violence. It seems to be working so far (although now wont... :) )

F is now 4. This is very exciting. She had a party last Sunday which she thoroughly enjoyed. She had her "bestest friend in the whole world" round and they played princesses, watched "Little Mermaid" and had a great time!

F has come down with the bug that H has, and after a night of only about 2 hours (generous) sleep last night, I (totally selfishly) could do with some sleep.. Am even enduring Barbie and Swan Lake to see if I can get them to doze off even a little so I can too... Not working though! :)

Weather is lovely, seems to make everything brighter!

Am no longer a scout leader leading a troop, feels strange, but glad have made the right decision. To celebrate the first Friday night at home last week WSH and I picked the sprogs up from school and went into town to Griaffe. Absolutley amazing, loved it. The kids had a great time, the staff were brilliant and the food was exceptional!

Very hungover....

2009-02-22T08:23:00.003Z

Poor me, I am officially the most hungover person in the world and to be woken up by small people chorusing "happy birthday mum" and "mum, you have to open your eyes" and demands for cake..

Yup, tis my birthday! I am now officially 31 years old and actually am rather chilled about it. Mind you I had my mid life crisis about hitting 25! :) But nasty consultant.. YOU WERE WRONG YOU BASTARD!!!!!!!!! Na na nee na na , mwah ha ha ha and other such sound effects!

Today is a GOOD day!

2009-02-21T17:36:00.002Z

I have had a lovely lovely day! The kids have been outside playing most of the day, I have got some cleaning of the kitchen done, the curtain rail is up and so are my gorgeous wonderful curtains (even though the wall behind them isn't nearly ready! :) ) and I have had a lovely chat with my Mum.

WSH has been a bit down this afternoon, he is worried that he hasn't got me a card or a present for tomorrow.. I have spent a long time and some tears explaining to him that those aren't important. I told him that him making me a card is FAR nicer and means so much more. So my lovely ladies have been "teaching" Daddy how to make me a card and it has been lovely to hear them.. "no Daddy, not like that, you don't make a card like that.. It has to be like THIS" explained the oracle of F who is nearly 4!!

I am to be spoilt tonight.. My lovely neighbours knocked on the door last night asking if they could come over with a couple of bottles of wine as they know that going out isn't easy with 3 small people and WSH not feeling up to that.. TBH I'd far rather them come here and us do the wine and chat thing, I dont have to find something to wear that I think looks ok, not fat and frumpy and I can just chill out here!!

Crap day

2009-02-17T20:32:00.002Z

Dont want to go into it again, but today has been shite. Marc is in a bad way due to todays ultimate shiteness and things are generally poo..

Sunday will be my birthday. I will be 31. I will have beaten the consultant who told me that I would be in a wheelchair by the time that I was 30.. well sit on this (insert rude finger gesture) you obnoxious arse!

Unfortunately its also the first of my birthdays when I wont have my dad around, or giving me a HUGE birthday bear hug.. and its not sitting right with me right now...

Normally such utter shiteness of today would not have rattled me nearly as much, but with everything else it has.. I have a splitting headache, feel shit and want to get blotto.. but have no where near enough wine...

Bugger, bugger... SPLAT!

2009-02-11T11:41:00.002Z

Hmm, Wednesday.. hmmm......

Bugger no1..

As predicted M isnt great today. The joys of an impending visit from his CPN. Never mind, am trying to get him to do simple little taks around the house to a) keep him doing stuff b) try to keep his mind off it as much as possible c) give me a hand! Not a problem, not something I haven't dealt with before, but its still not easy.

Bugger no2..

B is poorly, woken up with a temperature and complaining of feeling sick, a headache, legs hurting, tummy ache etc etc etc So after getting him dressed for school, pouring the required amount of nurofen and calpol down him, he is at home. In a very stroppy mood. Whoppie! It means that I have had to cancel his asthma appointment which was needed as it was his first assemessment.. never mind I am sure I can get another one in about 5 months...

Bugger no3..

My little sister has gone on holiday with her kids. This is a good thing. After everything that she has been through they really deserve this. But this leaves Mum on her own most of the time and her calling me in tears as she "cant see the point in carrying on anymore". OK what am I meant to do about it? Im over 1 1/2 hours away from her and cant just leave everything and the kids, school runs, M etc etc etc and I cant afford the petrol. Cue me having to call her every day just to see how she is and listen to her moaning about how awful her life is and then telling me what she has just bought in her latest spending spree. OK I know this makes me sound horrible, but I honestly dont know what to do with her and for her. She wont come up and see me and I cant get down to see her. She appears to be wallowing in grief. I cant imagine how hard things are for her now, but I honestly think that she is her own worst enemy when all she does is keep going back to bed for the day. Maybe I'm just jealous of that actually being an option! I will do what I can, and I know that she wont do anything "stupid" as she doesnt believe in it.

Bugger no4...

A very very very good friend of mine is poorly and she lives miles away from me. I called her today and all I wanted to do was jump (lol, i wish I could jump!) in the car and throw my arms around her and hug her till it was all better. She has PND. She has bad PND, but doesnt want to see the dr in case they tell her that what she is feeling is "normal".. R Im thinking of you and would be there if I could. You shall have to move next to me and come for coffee, cake, hugs and lots more cake!

SPLAT..

OK my shame of the day? Go on guess..... no? Ok I will share..

I took H to school today and did fine, missed all the ice.. on the way home however... different story.. Poorest me. I managed to spot the ice on the side of the road, side stepped 2ce to the right and put my foot out, erm, well it went one way and I went down. Never good, but even worse as you are stranded in the middle of the road like a beached whale in a turquoise and grey coat with all the chavvy school mothers coming out from dropping their offspring at school and a car is coming. Honestly though at this point as you are desperate for the ground to open up and swallow you the car stopped - not out of kindness or safety but because the driver cannot actually see as they are laughing SOOO much, one of my oldest friends is stood beside me wetting herself laughing and lots of the aforementioned chavvy mothers are pointing, staring, laughing etc.. I manage to claw my way up (anyone with a crappy back, sore hips and a right knee that only bends to just about a 90 degree angle will know how tricky this is) and hang my head in shame as I finish the crossing the road.

So today I have sorer knees, ankles, hands, wrists, shoulders and back and hips.. hmm never mind. ITs actually quite amusing looking back on it!

Strange goings on and random thoughts...

2009-02-10T16:26:00.004Z

Some strange things have happened to me recently, so I thought I would put them here (after all everyone can do with a laugh.... )

1) I have been told by 2 people how much they enjoy reading my blog. This not only surprises me but amazes me. I didn't realise people were so bored!!! (I'm joking I'm joking!) I find it totally bizarre that people actually read this. I know that sounds daft as I know its on the net and available to anyone to see, but for people to actually come back to it... I still cant get my head around that.. Poor me.. :)

2)I have had a brilliant brainwave continuing from the last one. This surprises me. The people I have mentioned it to have told me that its a brilliant idea too... Again this is a tad odd for me! I just cant wait till I can announce it!

3) M isnt doing brilliantly right now. OK this isn't anything that I haven't experienced before, but this time is odd. He suddenly announced that he had "lost all his social skills" and "dont know how to talk to people anymore".. So Suzi kicks up a gear and tries to arrange social events each week. Last Friday we met up with his lovely sister for coffee, on Sat we had one of our oldest friends round.. So Im thinking about this week... hmmmmmm which brings me to....

4) Woohoo (note the sarcasm... ) we are expecting M's CPN tomorrow. This in itself isn't too bad (means I have to clean the house tonight though :( ) but it means that he spirals downwards today, will be a mess tomorrow and then will be pretty crap on Thursday too.. I wouldnt mind if she was actually doing something itms? She sits on the sofa, asks a question and then waits for him to answer, then pauses (one of those really really heavy pauses) and then asks the next one. OK I'm probably not being fair, after all she has only been here once before.. but.....

5) I have to take B for his first appointment at the asthma clinic tomorrow. After this we can go back to see the dr..

6) Its my birthday soon. I didn't realise how soon until Mum asked me today what I wanted and my brain kicked into gear realising that I have 2 important hospital appointments for B that week too.. The first is on the monday at the urology clinic about the cyst on his willie and he has one on the Friday to see the "behaviour clinic" about the possibility of aspergers..

7) Aspergers.. Hmm well for years I have been saying that I thought B had aspergers (or certainly traits of it) and I am finally being listened to! Not only by the dr who has referred him to the hospital, but his fabulous teacher yesterday in answer to "Just to let you know B's GP is thinking along the aspergers line"... "Oh Im not surprised. He seems definately to have lots of the traits and little ways of a child with Aspergers".. This is brilliant as it means that B will get the additional help he needs, but as I have been raising this with schools and health visitors since he was tiny... hmm not so impressed, but glad it is FINALLY being looked into! So watch this space!

Anyway I think thats probably enough of my ramblings..

Snow, ice, rain and bolts of lightening

2009-02-05T13:20:00.005Z

Monday was snowday! Woohoo!! I love snow, gutted that Im not "allowed" to play in it anymore "afterall Mrs S snow is only going to aggrievate your arthritis isn't it?" hmm... Anyway we did play in it, the sprogs and I and we created the most fabulous snowman ever.. Apparently the pure genius of using sprouts as eyes were "the best thing you could ever do with sprouts Mummy".. hmm not a vote in confidence for my sprout lasagne then? :) Meet "Snowy" :

Tuesday was Icey, but the kids were still off school, so not too much of an issue.. Until yesterday.. hmm someone in their wisdom decided that the treacherous conditions weren't too bad for the kids to go into school, although the roads and the pavements were so dangerous and that the playground was shut as it was "a health and saftey risk" and it was just as bad today!!

The promised snow of last night and today hasn't arrived for us, instead we have rain. Its bloody freezing and the rain is soo cold its horrid!

F is off to her friends house for the first time tonight! Im sure it will be fine, but I cant help be nervous..

Had a brilliant idea for a business, but am keeping it under wraps atm, but watch this space!

Am having hate emails. Not enjoying that much. In fact its really upsetting me, all caused by something really silly on freecycle! Have had to stand down as coowner which has upset me as I loved doing it.. but Im sure something will all turn out ok in the end...

Monday 12th January...

2009-01-12T06:24:00.002Z

Well its Moday. Whoopie Doo... Its about 6:23 its cold, its dark, its windy, ive been up most of the night with F. Great! I think not....

Today is the day of my Dads inquest into his death. We all know what they are going to say, we know why he died (cancer from asbestosis) and we know how he died (painfully) so why the inquest? Why did things have to happen against his wishes (he didnt want a post mortem, he wanted to be cremated "in tact")? Because my lovely lovely Dad who didnt ever hurt anyone, and honestly went out of his way to make life better for those around him, gave up his time to do football training for the under 5s every Saturday morning, was a scout leader in his time etc etc etc died "an industrial death".

I cant be there. I wish I could, I feel I SHOULD be there, I want to be there to support Mum, but I cant. I cant afford the petrol money, the car parking, nothing.. So I cant go. So I have to sit at home and be with her "in spirit" rather than in person holding her hand. She wont be alone though, My big sister and my little sister (if her daughter stays with someone) will be there with her, and Mum herself told me not to drive the 2 hours ish for something that is only going to last 1/2 hour or so.. But its not the point. But there is ntohing I can do about it. Its how it is, I just need to deal with it...

Today is also a big day for my friend E.. I think she is one of the loveliest people I have ever met - although I havent ever met her as she is my "online friend" (sad? hmm), but today she goes into hospital for a huge operation and I would love to be able to go and visit her on the days that she hasnt got someone going to see her or to have her boys so that her dh and her eldest can go.. but again I cant... Thinking of you my wonderful wonderful friend..

Another of my friends has recently had a beautiful baby boy (I havent met him yet but the pics are great) and Im worried about her, she sounds to me as if she is suffering with PND but the reality of that hasnt hit her yet. I remember the day that it hit me that actually the way I was feeling wasn't right and that something needed to be done. It scared the life out of me! Anyway, my wonderful friend A, Im thinking about you too!

We went to the panto on Saturday (oh no you didnt, oh yes we did!) and it was brilliant. We go to one which is done by a church youth group each year and its fabulous! It really is, its the best panto that i have seen. Its a proper panto, no sponsorship, no "big names" just brilliantly amusing and suitable for the whole family! Excellent!

Well, its now 6:37, I have to go.. I have 2xlunches to sort out, make sure everything else is ready and get the kids to school!

Thanks for the distraction!

1st day back to school....

2009-01-06T13:31:00.002Z

and bugger me was it difficult! After me being seriously chuffed with myself (to the stage of making a chufty badge!) for insiting that the kids got all their uniform, bits, bobs and bagages sorted yesterday and finally finding H's shoes late last night.... the kids lied! They had not found anything, certainly not everything (yes ishould have doubled checked, but they were SOOO insistant!) So cue me running (well not running as back, hips and knees are exceptionally painful today, but you get the idea..) round the house to shouts of "mum I cant find my knickers/pants/socks/shirt".. Finally get them all their uniform and feed them all, hug a crying child because she has a tummy ache, she feels sick and generally doesnt want to go to school. OK, so im the big bad mummy and insist hat she goes (its for her own good in the long run..... I hope) and I get them all sorted, the shoes on, lunches made, give up my gloves for ~H to wear as her 3 pairs are all missing, having been eaten by the glove fairy or something and get myself dressed... WSH makes it down the stairs 2 1/2 hours after me and after I was promisedfaithfully that "Im just coming, Im just getting up" hmm... try not to be mad, try hard to stay calm and positive... hmm.....

Anyway we managed to get to school after stopping 8 times for B to sort his shoe laces (cue me with "I told you not to wear those!") and only a little late! 2 children depostited at school only to be informed.. "Mum I havent got my glasses, can you drop them off?" Oh yes love, I would love nothing more than to go home FIND the aforementioned glasses and then freeze my bits off delivering them to you... hmmm

After a lovely time sitting with a friend and teaching her how to knit child 3 is depostited and I am now alone with WSH who still hasnt "woken up" and isnt "in the mood to do anything" no cleaning, no washing, not empty and refil the dishwasher.. nothing... Been trying to persuade him for over an hour to get into the bath... ho hum..

My back is still incredibly sore and the painkillers arent touching it, but I think its also the cold not helping, but I still have one more school run to do and then thats it. Will have to take the kids out tomorrow after school to get new school shoes.... Cant face it today, certianly cant get to the floor to check the fitting etc

Tonight all uniform etc will be found and I will check! Hopefully tomorrow morning will run more smoothly..

Wonderings and ramblings....

2009-01-05T13:51:00.002Z

Wow, someone said to me yesterday that they had read through this blog (an achievement in itself I would imagine, I dont know as I have never tried!) and that they were "humbled" by reading it.. Humbled? by my ramblings? Crumbs what have I said??? This is something about me, I dont think particularly highly of myself, after all Im nothing special, just me doing what I do - and that generally involves me talking to people, listening to those I feel it worthy of listening to, ignoring those I dont think worthy of my time, dealing with the kids, Marc, freecycle etc... I dont do more than any one else.... so why "humbled?" Its a wonderful compliment, but it struck me last night as something amazing, which I am not...

School tomorrow for the sprogs.. Im not overly looking forward to it, its something that "has to be done" (although I know it doesnt, but thats another story) .. I hate handing them over to strangers to look after them and sort out the issues that need sorting.... But Im big enough to deal with it :(

Im having a grumpy gotbags day.. Nothing in particular caused it, just a grumpy grotbags day.. maybe its part pmt, but still its there and its bugging me.. Im not a shiny happy person all the time, and in fact i have quite a temper and have been known to be a bit shouty which is something I am working on...But im not normally totally grumpy with little sunshine radiating from me.... sure it will pass...

Time to close the lappy and take the Christmas Decs down I think.....

Annual Tidy Up Day....

2008-12-29T14:53:00.002Z

Well thats what today is.. after Christmas and before NY I like to tidy up and to get all the pressies put away so I can start the NY with things where they shouldbe rather than in piles on the floor... well, its amazing how "well" its gone.. pmsl.. The kids were meant to tidy their rooms, erm... I think that they have put away no more than about 10 things each (and thats being generous!) the front room and kitchen still look like a bomb has gone off in them and tomorrow we are having a sort of party with Mum, my sister and her 2 kids and my little bro who has just got engaged!

Anyway, bathroom and toilet are cleaned, 4 baskets of washing are sorted ready to go away, the hob and the glass bits of the oven have been cleaned by my wsh who is currently in the bath scrubbing himself! :)

Im really pleased with myself as I had planned on making all the pressies for my family this year, and last night I put the finishing touches to them and I have managed it! Im SOO pleased! I have made scarves for my big sis, little sis, foster sis, neice... bag for 2xnephew, scrapbook for mum and cheated on my little bro and fiance!

When can i take the Christmas decs down? its all just in the way now... or is that just mean? :)

Christmas, boxes and rings

2008-12-27T16:52:00.002Z

Well I have done it. I have got through this Christmas, which I was truly truly dreading. Yes I shed some tears and said a couple of prayers, but I did it - and with style too. I miss my dad so much, and it doesnt go away. I spose though I have it far easier than my Mum who has spent so much time recently in tears, or my little sister who has been putting on such a brave face for her kids since the death of Chris.

This year we were skint. I dont mean hard up, I mean totally and truly skint, to the point that we didnt know if we could feed the kids, put electic and gas on the meters let alone buy presents. We were lucky though, we asked our parents for help and they both stepped in so that we could not only have a lovely Christmas day, but a phenomenal trip to see Santa at Harrods on the 23rd too!

All in all its been a good Christmas, although I wish that I could take the thoughts out of my head and give them a wash to get rid of the yukki thoughts that will not go back in their boxes..

At the moment WSH is being brilliant, really great helping with the kids, the house and generally being lovely. This is great, but I have no idea how long this is going to last and Im dreading the next crash.. I know it must be playing on his mind too and I know to enjoy the time that he is "here" with us, but I know that with my arthritis getting worse I am almost relying on him more and more to do certain things, certain jobs etc This thought scares me... Its fine, it has to be, but its still there in my head..

Anyway enough doom and gloom, my little brother J got engaged onChristmas Day and I am really really pleased for him! K is lovely!!

25th November

2008-11-25T20:40:00.002Z

Shite, shite and shite really....

Christmas is coming, which means that my adorable Cinderella's 5th birthday approaches fast.. skint flat completely broke, absolutely knackered, M's depression is shite and my body is giving up on me.

I dont know why, but this blogging thing always makes mespill whats in my head..Somewhat cathartic i spose. I miss my dad like mad, its meant to be getting easier, but its not. Im trying to redecorate my front room before Christmas, having a nightmare with itand normally I would have called my Dad for advice, but I cant... its just not fair, just how it is..

I am awaiting an appointment with the occupational therapy team as im finding itincreasingly difficult and far more painful to walk and especially the 3 walks to school and back a day. The crappy weather doesnt help wither...For me this is a huge deal. When I was 16 I was told I would be in a wheelchair by the time that i was 30. Well Im 30 (nearly 31) and Im not there, but the idea of any kind of "mobility aid" terrifies me...

Im thinking about giving up running the scout troop as im in pain, so tired as its exhausting being in pain all the time etc etc

Will finish this later..

28th OCt..

2008-10-28T16:48:00.002Z

I cant believe its been so long since I updated this.. Dont really know whats happened.

I have decided that I cant stand PG tips t bags any more, far preferring Yorkshire tea.... strange but true. I have a sewing machine and have been busily recovering car seats, making halloween costumes and goodness knows what else! lol Thanks to mum for my early Christmas Pressie..

I have a new car, and I love her! She is a silver Sharan and her name is Pippa, and she goes VROOM!!!!!!! Its amazing, I have my freedom back! I now also have all term time afternoons to myself (apart from when I have one at home ill!) and have been out and about nearly every afternoon, which is heavenly! Its taking quite some time to actually get used to not having to keep an eye and ear out for what the sprogs are doing, but its still lovely to be able to sit and chat with someone over a coffee - and not talk about the latest yu-gi-oh cards or something! (or is that just me?????)

Dad has been gone for a while now, and I miss him every day. The locket that he bought does help and I look out at the stars each night, but I still miss him. It would have been his birthday on the 20th Oct and its just strange knowing that he wasnt there and I couldnt call him.. Im also making as many Christmas Pressies for people as I can this year and I know he would have loved that, he would have loved a hand knitted scarf, complete with lost stitches and stuff and he would have worn it with such pride. But he isnt here... so no point in making him one.. Its hard... I dont like it at all...

Spooks is back on TV, came back last night which is truly fab, I love Spooks - havent missed an episode. Ever!!!

Kids are great, growing well and stuff.. They are on Half term this week, and Im sure Im the only one, but I love having them at home. I love them being around.. Sad but true..

friday 19th September

2008-09-19T09:23:00.003+01:00

Well so much has happened, and yet nothing has happened if that makes any sense?

I seem to be distracting myself so much in other things atm, so I dont have to think about how terrible it is that Dad has gone. Today I am wearing his jumper, his green jumper, the one he lent me one day when I went home from uni and was freezing cold, the one he said I could borrow but he wanted it back - that was about 12 years ago and he never got it back. Its a comfort jumper, always has been. Nothing special to look at, but very snuggly and keeps my hands warm. There are a couple of gloss paint marks on it which i must try to get out, but its still a snuggly jumper..

Every night the star that has been christened "Dads star" has been out and shining which I hope means that everything is ok for him. I know that Mum has been struggling, but suddenly a couple of days ago started being really "together" which is scary. I dont know whether she has totally crumbled yet - but I doubt it... I spose thats where I get it from - the ability to shut off my own problems and deal with other peoples. All my "issues" are stored in boxes in my mind and they only come out when i feel capable of dealing with them. I open them, deal with a bit and then close the lid and put them back in again.. Its not a totally great way of dealing with things, and some would say that Im not dealing with them at all, but hey - its my way and at the moment it seems to be ok.

Dreading Monday - its Dads funneral, cremation, wake, buryin his ashes etc and I know its going to be one of the longest days of my life. But it is just another of those things that "just is" and has to be done.

On a positive though, H started school this week. OMG how grown up does she look? She is SO excited. She started on Wednesday and is doing mornings only until the 6th Oct when she starts full time. Its so scary! She is however exceptionally excited today as its "biscuit day" when they take in a packet of biscuits to share out. They only do it on Friday as a special treat apparently, but she has gone in armed with her chocolate chip cookies and a packet of custard creams! Im surprised that she has decided to take those as they are her favs and I dont think she has totally grasped the fact that she has to share them! lol

I was staggered to realise that people actually reads this load of rambling thoughts. It came as a bit of a shock. I didnt realise that anyone was actually reading it.. Thank you for the comments!!

Grief and mourning

2008-09-15T21:38:00.002+01:00

Well it happened.. My Dad, the most amazing wonderful and brave man that i have ever had the privildge to know passed away last Tuesday 11:10pm on the 10th September. I am gutted, i am relieved, i am feeling guilty.. It has taken me ages to be able to write this.

I am so gutted that my dad has died, that he isnt there to talk to anymore, no more huge big bear hugs etc but so relieved that he isnt in pain anymore. Its such a bizzare feeling. So strange, and then the guilt kicks in..

One minute im fine, the next im really in tears and totally unconsolable. Its just so hard..

This is something that i wrote a couple of days later..

Im totally gutted that my dad isnt around anymore, not that I saw him nearly as often as i would have liked, but just knowing that i cant just call him up any more. Knowing that if there is an issue with mum, i cant call him and get him to fix it.

He was a wonderful man, really truly a special bloke, and thats not me sugar coating him, yes he had some faults, but he really was so very special. I miss him.

I went to see him in the hospice on monday and he was still sitting up, chatting, still talking about rubbish and winding the nurses and doctors up. He told us his thoughts about page 3 girls (you look at the head, if thats ok then you look lower, if those are ok then you carry on looking lower) and about the baby birds that were in the hedge outside his room.
I woke up on Tuesday morning hearing him call my name. I know it sounds stupid, but its true and i knew that there was a serious issue. I called the hospice and was told that he had had a really bad night and although i didnt need to drop everything and run it was probably a good idea to get down there then, rather than wait until the wednesday which is what i had planned to do. I told them that i would call back at lunchtime and see how he was.
Ferns teachers came round and i took ben to the doctor and i called back. I spoke to mum who had been told that although he wasnt great, he was ok and would still be there on wednesday and so not to worry.
I talked it over with marc who said "whats the harm in going down today?" the only issue was financial and was it fair on the sprogs to be dumped on a poorly nanny carol. Then he said "but the harm in not going today is that it might be too late". So we hug around printing out the photos that he wanted to see and we left.
We got there about 2/230 and i walked in to find him under total sedation. I wasnt prepared for that.
Anyway mum and joyce (dads sister) left and marc and i stayed and we talked rubbish to him (in between my tears) and I read him the paper - a huge deal as i hate the sun! and we talked about the weather, the kids, and i described the photos to him. I read him a page and a 1/2 of his book - alex furgeson autobiography and told him i couldnt read any more as it was total drivel and possibly the worst load of bollocks i have ever read.
Later on my big sister catherine arrived and came in and talked to him, she stayed for a little while and my big brother arrived. I walked catherine to the main door and went in to find my brother nick in tears. I asked him if he wanted some time alone with dad and he said he didnt. He didnt know what to say to him. So we told him about nicks day and he had bought him a cd player with some cds of the shadows (dads fav) so we chatted with the music going. Then jack and her kids arrived (I have an issue with this, but it doesnt matter anymore) with my little brother who wasnt coping at all.
Marc took the kids to play and we all sat round talking with dad.
JAck insisted on putting the sponge sticks round his mouth (which i hadnt done as he seemed so peaceful) and he freaked out. It bought him slightly out of the sedation and he just freaked. He started saying "help, ouch, help, mum" over and over again. nick and jonathan left the room as they couldnt cope. I had to hold his arms as he looked into my eyes asking for help. I couldnt let him pull out the cathatar. It was horrible. I sent jack ("i have been here before and i know what im doing") to get a nurse who arrived to give him dome more sedative and painkillers. It felt like hours for them to work. Jack walked out and i was left alone holding him and telling him how much i loved him and i couldnt let him pull at himself.
Nick called mum and got her back and when she arrived i left her alone with dad.
I spoke to the dr who had been with him and was lovely who said that he would go later that night.
I told my brothers and jack and called catherine back. Then i told mum. She didnt believe it at all. A nurse came in and mum questioned it with her. She agreed with the dr and asked if Mum wanted some pastoral support. Mum said yes she did, but only very near the end. The nurse said that she would call the Vicar and get her there in the next couple of hours at which point it suddenly seemed to hit mum.she cried and asked how she would cope. I told her she would and we would all be there.
The vicar arrived and said some prayers and dads favourite psalm. After that we all took it in turn to say goodbye and he died a couple of hours later with just mum in with him as he wanted.

The hospice staff were amazing.. I will forever be in their debt for the way that they looked after dad and everyone else. They were fab..

I went outside last night and looked at the moon. There was a new star just to the right and I knew it was a sign from Dad. He truly was remarkable and I am so honoured to be his daughter as much as he used to embarrass me when i was younger.
To you Dad, good health and God bless

I have been asked to do a reading on Monday at his funneral. It will be a hard day. Church service at 945, then onto the crematorium, then back to the church hall for lunch, then on to the graveyard to bury his ashes. Its going to be so hard.

The poem that i have been asked to read is this one:

Don't Grieve for me for now I'm free,
I'm following the path God has laid you see.
I took His hand when I heard Him call,
I turned my back and left it all.
I could not stay another day,
To laugh, to love, to work, to play.
Tasks left undone must stay that way,
I found that peace at the close of day.
If my parting has left a void,
Then fill it with remembered joys.
A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss,
Oh, yes, these things I too will miss.
Be not burdened with times of sorrow.
I wish you the sunshine of tomorrow.
My life's been full, I've savored much,
Good friends, good times, a loved one's touch.
Perhaps my time seemed all too brief,
Don't lengthen it now with undue grief.
Lift up your hearts and peace to thee,
God wanted me now, He set me free.

Will write more later, its late and im tired as im not sleeping at all at the moment..

RIP Dad I love you xxx

My Dad..

2008-09-06T22:48:00.002+01:00

There have been many many times throughout my 30 years of life that my Dad and I have not seen eye to eye, and trust me we have had some humdingers of rows, but I had the phonecall today from Mum to say that it looks like the bloody horrible cancer has left him with about a week left to live. He is in a terrible state, in effect drowning through the effect of this disease. He has a horrible form of cancer from his work when he was younger with asbestos. He was diagnosed over a year ago and has had the treatment that they could offer. There never was a cure, we knew that and he shouldnt have survived this long, but omg, he is nothing but a shadow of his former self. Certainly not the fun loving and manic person i remember. i am gutted. I dont know how i am meant to feel. One minute I am crying, the next I am fine. It doesnt feel real and yet it hurts so much I dont know how to make the pain go away and yet I know its only going to get worse when I get the call to say that he has taken another turn for the worse and i have to get there quickly.

Its strange. My dad has touched everyone he has ever met, he has changed their lives in however small a way and I am so proud to call him my dad. People who have met him say that they are priviledged or honoured to have met him, most people call him mad or slightly deranged. when i was younger he embarrassed me more than i could ever say, but now i would give anything to have that embarassing dad back and for him, my mum and my siblings to not have to watch him suffer

It doesnt seem right or fair, my sister has only just lost her husband to cancer, and now may dad is going to go soon. such a horrible and pain ridden way of going, he doesnt deserve this. He and my mum have been married since time began (or so it feels) . They got together and were married at 18, had their first child at 19 and have been together throughout everything. they row lots, they complain about each other all the time, but they are both now over 60 so they have to have been doing something right!!

Anyway, thats it, im now just waiting for the call to tell me that the end is there and i have to get from surrey to salisbury really quickly so i can say goodbye. But i dont want to say goodbye. this is the man who sat for countless hours with me in casualty departments when i injured myself AGAIN (anything under 4 hours was considered really fast by us) and never made me feel guilty for it, the man who taught me how to use a fountain pen properly - which i have now passed on his secrets to my son... you have to hold it as if you love it, talk to it, and be its friend. The man who taught me to drive, the man who picked me up from school every night even though it was hours out of his way home, the man who took me to my first ever big band concert, the man who made me listen to episode after episode of the goons and hancocks half hour. The man who inflicted hours of the shadows on me, the man who drove up to be with me when i had my tonsils out when i was 18 and stayed with me all the time and then took me back home talking to me all the way, even when i slept after the aneasthitic. The man who i used to go for long dog walks with, especially when i had had a row with mum - fairly frequently- and have words with your daughter or similar. The man who was exicted when i had my children, the man who showed me all his photographs of all the building sites he has worked on, the man who instilled so much respect in me no matter how embarrassed by him i was. The man who walked up to my headteacher - a very posh private school headteacher - with "alright my love, nice to see you". The man who i used to watch the generation game, the a team , the eurovision song contest with and many other things. But now he is the man in pain, the man who cant sing "im singing in the rain" with a childs umbrella and my children laughing around him, the man who cant walk very far, the man who cant walk up and down stairs properly and certainly not without help any more. The man who taught my youngest daughter that knickers were called "nicky nicky nick nacks" which is what she went into Next for and announced when it was really busy. The only man i have ever known who could eat more ice cream than me! The only man who would ever make paper aeroplanes with the children at my wedding and not only get away with it, but make it fun and liven up everyone whilst also keeping all the children happy and amused and yet also making it look somewhat cool..

Dad, i know that you will never see this, but I love you Dad. I want your ending to be peaceful and for you to not be in pain. Dad I love and respect you and will never ever forget you...

update

2008-08-21T18:12:00.002+01:00

Well after my "woe is me" - ness yesterday things have been loads better today! woohoo!

WSH has pastered some of the lounge which was his first real attempt, so we shall see what its like - its SOOOO much better than it was and its the flattest straightest wall in the house now, but he isnt taking my compliments well which is irritating!

I cooked a rather fab veggie cottage pie for tea which went down well and was enjoyed by all who ate it!

Ooo b*gger, i was going to say something specific, but my mind has gone completely blank..... dont you hate it when that happens? :)

Oh well, if it comes back to me then i will be back....... ........ ....... .......

?

2008-08-20T15:19:00.002+01:00

Well, not quite sure how but another month has passed, I have celebrated my 1st year wedding anniversary and the kids are on school hols.

Loving my kids, although we have had some "trying" times but on the whole they are great. Im not quite sure about B though, the 3rd person has asked me if he has aspergers. Although he ticks many of the boxes i dont think he has AS, and school havent mentioned it at all, but we will watch him and see.....

Well, yesterday i had had enough of life in general, fed up of being so broke, fed up of things costing more and more, although i know im not alone on that one! TBH I have had enough of depression and his moods feeling as if it is ruling our whole lives. If he "isnt in the mood" then nothing gets done - nothing. He gets up, sits at the computer all day and thats pretty much it. This has been going on for months. First it was put down to the change in meds, but right now i cant cope with it anymore and so have given an ultimatum, either things change and he starts doing things or he moves out. Simple really. I dont quite know how i feel, im sad but im desperate. I also know that this could just make him give up completely, but what else do i do? how much more can i take? My dad is in and out of the hospice, one of our best friends is in hospital (a whole other tale) and i have 3 kids and i hurt. I hurt emotionally, mentally and physically and something has to give, and it just cant be me...

Friend in hospital is a nightmare. He had a brain heamorragh and wasnt expected to live.. but did, has had several ops and has finally been moved to a hosp closer to us. This is great, M goes to visit him 2ce a week or so and last Fri i went too. Well it was a shock to see how ill he is, but he is mentally still there. I was there about an hour before he told me to f*** off and not come back. I have no idea what i have done or why he doesnt want to see me, but i am sure he has his reasons. This is fair enough, but it hurts. Its fine and i have to do what he wants as it will aid his recovery, but it really hurts when he wants everyone else to visit, just not me. I cant help feeling upset and hurt about it, or having to sit outside waiting another hour or so for m to finish visiting him. So what though? doesnt matter does it?

So all in all i feel rather s***. The house is no further on, although i got the paint out again today to do some more to it, but i cant do it all, and why should i?

Hopefully the next blog i make will be more positive, but im using this as some sort of diary, as i know that no one reads it i know that i can just put down everything in my head..

Major Bragging, school fairs and Yu gi oh cards!

2008-07-13T07:39:00.003+01:00

I love my children, I really do, but there are times that they drive me crazy, but they also are what keeps me sane. Anyhow, this is a major brag about how wonderful they really are!

B - my 7 year old adorable yet very stroppy young man. He has been having a tough time at school which is complicated, but we knew there was a problem as he was awful at home, very agressive, stroppy, rude, crying at silly things etc... Anyhow my lovely young man was really brave and discussed all the issues with WSH and is far better since he got it all off his chest. Im really pleased and really proud

H - my adorable 4 year old princess. So wonderful, she has been learning to read. She has shocked the nursery staff as she really is proper reading! She has been getting books from reception to read and she doesnt start till september! She is taking the reading world by storm! Im thrilled!

F - the Feral one age 3. My lovely (yet ferral one) daughter has done really really well with her toilet training! Im so thrilled. Apart from the last couple of days (isnt it always the way?!) she has had clean dry knicky-knicky-knick-knicks (thanks to my Dad for that one - have you ever been shopping when someone announces that they need new knicky-knicky-knick knicks?????) every day! She may have been a late starter but shes really brilliant!

School Fairs: It was the school fair yesterday and i was meant to be helping set up, run stalls as and where needed as floating support and wsh was down to help clear up after. Well thats what SHOULD have happened, unfortunately it didnt happen like that as WSH wasnt feeling quite so Wonderful or Sexy tbh, in fact he wasnt great at all... SO in fact what did happen was that B,H,F and I went over to the school fair.

We had a lovely lovely time, the kids were brilliant! They had a big bouncy slide thing in the shape of a castle. Well obviously being an experienced parent who has been around things like this before with my sprogs I knew that only one of them would like it.... However up they all go, F being helped up the rope ladder bit as she goes. They get to tthe top... One is all smiles, I is shaking with fear and needs to be carried down and one has one of those nervous smiles that screams at a doting mother (yes that would be me) that there is a problem, but any innocent bystander would not see an issue.. So Im stood at the bottom ready to catch them and hoping and praying that I dont need to embarrass myself clambering up this thing to go and resue them when one of the helpers has carried F down and i have her in my arms and she is still shaking (cue the awwwwwwww its ok its ok mantra) at which point Ben and I are signing to each other.. the conversation goes like this:

me: you ok? him: no me: you come down slide? him: no, stuck

so eldest child also carried down.. middle one on the other hand absolutely loved it!

B was fab, later on H wanted to go back on the hudge slidey thing, but the others didnt, so B took F on the bouncy castle! It was lovely, he even paid for her! It really was lovely...

Yu-Gi-Oh cards: My son has been wanting these for a while, but so far i have resisted... anyway there were some for sale yesterday at the fair so i got him some after all 20p for 6 sounded an awful lot better than

"£5.99 in Woolies, but they have run out, I ended up in Smiths and they are £8.99 in there"

as i had been chatting to a couple of the other mums.. Anyhow ebay it was last night! wayhey! I have a rather excited child now! I havent seen him with such a permanent cheshire cat styley grin for ages!

Are there any rules to this game? I sat last night trying to play with him and the rules kept changing.. I was thoroughly confused, but apparently I won!

School Reports: woohoo! Both the older sprogs did amazingly! SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO proud! Haz even had "model pupil" "perfect" and Ben had "joy to teach" woohoo!

the untimely death of a hero

2008-06-26T10:24:00.002+01:00

the title says it all really. Chris (my brother in law) lost his battle with cancer yesterday at about 245pm. He was every bit a hero. He was a great father, a good/great husband and a good friend with a sensible head on his shoulders. HE will be greatly missed.

Chris was a good laugh, a qualified chef who couldnt make cheese sauce without the aid of a packet when he came to my house, someone who loved fb poker, gave great hugs and put his kids first.

He was every bit a hero, he fought continually. He battled hard. When he knew that this would be his last battle he bravely wrote a list of the things that he wanted to do, worked through that list including planning his own "party" at the end. He has spoken to the "party planner" aka a family friend funneral director and got his bright red coffin and a bouncy castle all sorted. I dont know if i could be as brave as him.

I wish there was something i could do for my sister, niece and nephew, but i cant...

RIP Chris, a hero.

depressing and not so depressing?

2008-06-08T11:33:00.003+01:00

Do you ever sit and wonder "why is this happening?" I do. I have been for the last few weeks. I dont talk about things that are getting to me very much for several reasons, all of which are valid to me. These reasons are:
1) I have to stay strong to hold everyone and everything else together
2) If i do start talking about it i will have to actually face whats ripping me apart from the inside out
3) Im sure that no one really needs any more shit themselves as everyone i know right now has enough to deal with.
4) I need to keep things in their "boxes" in my head until i have the time and the space to deal with the issues that are in there.

OK so whats caused such a down post? lots tbh

we are totally broke. we have bills to pay and tbh we are just keeping our heads enough above water so that we can put food on the table and sort the kids out. All would be ok, but things have been screwed with the benefits again. Yes i know we shouldnt be on benefits and that we should both be out working, but i cant afford childcare costs, especially when all of them have been poorly this week and Marc has been crappy too.. besides right now i cant go into it.

Im tired, im really tired. So tired that i cant sit down on the sofa with the kids coz i will be asleep in seconds. Will be fine, but it doesnt help.

My bil and my dad are both dying of cancer and it hurts. Its hard that im not there to be with them to help, its hard as i have to try to hold mum and my sis together as much as possible. I am there for either of them when they want someone to talk to, when they want someone to cry to etc, but its hard. Apparently mum calls me as im "removed from the situation" and i am "the practical one" who doesnt "do" emotion. Hm, actually i had the call last night from my sis about my dad who is apparently really really quite ill, he can hardly talk due to the tumour, he cant eat bread any more and he cant walk for much at all without needing to sit down and get his breathe back. This is the man who could walk for miles, was a scout leader for more years on and off then i care to think about and who runs an under 5's football group on a saturday morning. Hes going to end up dependent on oxygen and that will destroy who he is.
My bil? well hes too chilled really. He has planned his own funneral and he is so brave, younger than me and leaving my sis and their 2 wonderful children. He is in and out of hospital for platelets and antibiotics all the time and its so horrid.
In amongst all this i had to tell my sprogs about bil, that he was really really ill, that the docs are doing everything they can, but that sometimes the docs cant make people better. Now i have to tell them about my dad. Its just too hard and im just not quite ready to do so, but we have been invited down for next sunday as dad wants to have us all around him "one last time". I will go, i will take the kids and i will get through it. I dont want to. I dont want to go. I dont want to be around the person who abused me for years, but i have to put a brave face on it all for my dads sake. He really is the most wonderful man and this is just so unfair.

Anyway, this is quite a depressing post and it really wasnt meant to be..

Fern has managed to use the toilet several times! This is fabulous wonderful news! long may it continue!
Ben has learnt how to make cups of tea/sugar and hot chocolate and hes really really good!
the sun is shining, so im going to go out to play!

library, bank loans, and dried apricots

2008-05-31T15:04:00.002+01:00

well, after promising THE SPROGS that i would take them to the library during half term, we finally made it today. I knew we had fines to pay so i ransack the house for all the lose change praying i wasnt going to need a bank loan to pay it off... So armed with my purse (very floral from primark last year) full of coppers, 20p pieces, a "borrowed" £20 from wsh the sprogs and i wander into the town centre to explore the new library.
blimey i was impressed with us, we made it into W, found the new entrance to the library, negotiate the lift and make it in there only to discover that its all computerised! Clever us, we discover the pay desk i hand over the cards announcing that "i know i have fines to pay, but i need to know how big the bank loan needs to be". "ok love we will have a look" the elderly gentleman called Raj (if his name badge is to be believed) said with a chuckle.. "36p on this one and 6p on that one love, the others are clear". "im sorry, could you recheck please" so i have even negotiated the back of the sofa for nothing? crumbs.
At this point the sprogs (who all dressed them selves this morning : B: scooby doo top which im sure is a jarmie top, a pair of trousers which are too short, black socks - at least they match i spose - and an old pair of england trainers : H: a pair of yellow short/skirt things, a t shirt and a cardingan, teemed with blue floral socks, a pair of stripey purple babylegs and some white shoes and then there was F: rainbow babylegs, white frilly socks, a dress more suited to the garden, her blue doodles and a red too small cardigan.. hmmm, lose them? no chance) are running round the library having discovered something to climb on.. odd looks? well... sod it, if they wanted the library to be quiet they should have a separate kids section on another floor or in another building...
"mum i need the loo" great, one of the things most dreaded... "cuse me do you have a toilet anywhere that i could use with my daughter?" "no madam im afraid not, you will have to go down the lift, out of the building, right round it and into the public loos at the back".. Why? why do they do this? So we quickly check out our books and run to the lift.. "mum its too late, you were too slow, ive had a poo accident. have you got clean knickers?" "yes love, i have, but i dont think you have!"... ok, we get over the fact that i dont actually have any spares and she will just have to make do with what shes in.... much to her annoyance, anyone with a 4 year old princess cinderella will know what i mean..
Sainsburys... saturday, 3 kids... hmmmm we dash in and round as quickly as we can picking up bits to munch on the way as its just dawned on me that they havent had lunch yet.. oops bad mummy.
So out come the dried apricots (one of my favs) and H looks "no thanks, ill have a double chocolate chocolate chip cookie please", B + F are more adventurous.. omg how much did i giggle at their faces, ahha, the apricots are safe! mwah ha ha
Well, we made it home thank goodness, and the first aid kit wasnt needed once. Yes i do take a full first aid kit out with me!
A successful trip and ive even been asked out for a coffee by my son. How proud am i? too proud..

prozac, eurovision, travian and stuff!

2008-05-29T14:24:00.003+01:00

well again its been a while since i updated this..

Eurovision!
WE had a eurovish party at our new house. It went really well, had loads of friends over, had nibbles, drinks and a damn good laugh. It was brilliant therapy for me, nice to have some time out. Although it was a nightmare trying to get rid of the "building site chic" look of the house. Bless my wsh he managed to lay flooring in the kitchen, the hallway and lay carpet up the stairs and on the landing all on his own. He really worked hard to make it happen.
It was such a good laugh - so good in fact we are planning another party in August to celebrate his birthday (shh he doesnt know that bit!) but most importantly our 1st wedding anniversary.. Where does the time go? its amazing to think that in a year we have been married, move house and he has reduced his prozac... amazing..

Prozac..
well in the 3 months or so that we have been here in our new home wsh has reduced his prozac by half. Im amazed and impressed, its a huge achievement!

weight
in the same time that wsh has reduced his prozac i have lost nearly 2 stone, quite a huge achievement for me and im pleased. A very very long way to go, but im pleased.

Travian
Well if you havent played then play. I warn you though its seriously addictive! Im quite busy conquering my little worlds with my little people! woohoo, go me, ive found a comp game i quite like!

Stuff
Well the sprogs are doing well, although Haz seems to have developed "bad dreams" normally about 2 - 3 in the morning and then is spending the rest of the night in bed with us. Its not tooo bad, but i could do with some uninterrupted sleep! now to manage to get her to stay in her own bed all night!
Its mils 50th today, and we are skint (theres a surprise) so we have got the kids to sing happy birthday and they have been making pictures for her... Its nan in laws 75th tomorrow too.... same rules apply!
Im ok, been feeling out of sorts and my sis and hers came up yesterday with her dh who is currently dying.. its so wierd, he looks ok - not well, but better than i was expecting. Its really strange talking to him about his funneral and things. He seems quite up beat about the whole thing, but its so hard.. Wish i could make it better, but i cant.. i need to stop beating myself up about not being able to make things better...

oo er and all that!

2008-05-15T10:19:00.002+01:00

So i have been to the doctors woohoo! i have to rest... yes i know stop laughing, it took me a while to realise that she was actually serious too... my comments about 3 small children, a scout troop and house and garden renovations seemed to not be noted as legitimate reasons not to rest.. "well its up to you Mrs Shaw, if you dont rest then you will end up in hospital" "ok, i will rest then" says I not wanting to end up in hospital for something so silly as being a bit tired and having low iron levels... so im trying to be good.

Rar, at the benefits department today, last week they said one thing so we did things that normal people would do and we got the bits we needed for WSH to create a lovely planter only to find out that the second payment we were promised to arrive yesterday actually wont be there till NECT wednesday! bugger! Its ok i say to WSH who isnt coping particularly well and is understandably quite miffed off by the whole situation.
So in light of crappy benefits system i call BT who were due to cut off the phone last week.. well blow me down with a feather, not only did I manage to speak to a human being (a rather lovely Irish lady who was more than keen to help and stop for a chat and slag off the benefits system with me) but they have deferred the payment until its all sorted and THEN agreed to pay half and then half.. yeah GO ME, and GO BT! I will never hear anyone slag off bt ever again, they were lovely and removed lots of stress!

Eldest sproglet has his SATS this week - year 2 ones. He seems to be doing well so he says on the way home from school, but he was in tears on Sunday about not wanting to go to school becuase of the Sats! Bloody sats..

Anyway as its pouring down today all plans are on hold! but on a positive note this will do the grass, the sunflowers, the runner beans (Ferns) the fairy flower garden (Hazels) and the bugs galore garden (Bens) a huge amount of good!

hot hot hot!

2008-05-08T14:29:00.002+01:00

well what a lot has happened in such a short space of time!
I now have a garden with grass!!!! and the sprogs and i are loving it.. just s shame its SOOOOOOO hot that they cant be out in it long!

Littlist winkle (aka THE FERAL ONE) has bad hayfever we have discovered, but after a few days of nothing but snot, tears and grumpiness we have discovered something to make her feel better! woohoo, now shes just hyper and im not!

My raised planter is taking shape, just hindered by finances once again, but we will get there! Im so looking forward to being able to plant a herb garden and some veggies.. thinking tomatoes might be fun too! things that the little people can help grow, look after and then eat at the end of the process!
suggestions on a postcard!!!!

crumbs!

2008-05-05T13:18:00.002+01:00

well its an odd one today.. its bank holiday monday, kids are at home and its hot and sunny.Yes hot and sunny.. i know.. i have checked my diary upteen times to check that i havent got the date wrong, but im right.. it really IS bank holiday monday and is sunny and hot!
I have just returned from taking the winkles (aka the sprogs) to the shop to spend their tooth fairy money - well 2 of them had tooth fairy money and they very very kindly offered to buy something for the littlist ferral winkle.. blimey, blow me down with a feather they OFFFERED to get her something.. and they did! A very wonderful and polite few moments later the aforementioned winkles return with their trophies - the biggest one has a white magnum, the middle one has a "classico" cornetto (she really wanted the strawberry one, but they didnt have any) and the littlist ferral one has a twister. Blimey, i wasnt expecting it to go so well (or so easily!) . Anyone who has 3 little people know the perral and the fear that is instilled on a "can we get a sweetie from the shop" question.. but we did, i survived and i was seriously impressed by them!
they have coped brilliantly this weekend as the "garden" has now been rotavated and is no more than a large patch of dirt.. well done winkles! I just wish that they would stop digging holes in it as it took a while to level! bless them huh?

Oh and thanks to the peeps on DWD for reading!!

"no love"

2008-05-04T12:58:00.002+01:00

imagine the scene.. me and my wsh stood in what passes for a garden having our early morning cigarette (yes we smoke - i know, its bad, its wrong etc etc... but leave me alone!!) and talking... a rarity for us to be uninterrupted by the sprogs..
"you ok love?" says i
"well er not really" says he... oh god thinks i!
turns out he is really worried and really concerned as he has worked out (dont ask me how) that he normally has a major depression crash in April.. and bar a few down days he appears to have missed this April..
"ok, so why is this a bad thing??" coz for the life of me i cant figure it out..
"well i think it might mean that im going to crash this month instead and it will be bigger coz i didnt crash in April"
hmm positive thinking?!!!!
So i reassure him that whatever happens will happen and that we will deal with it together as we always do.. .
"no love, im sure it will be fine"

Anyway wsh takes the 2 eldest sprogs out to judo and i have the littlist one here with me, we are frantically cleaning and tidying as we are expecting someone from freecycle to come and collect the dining table adn 6 chairs and i have noticed that several bombs have gone off in my kitchen! Then.. the door knocks.. "great" i think, now i have to lug this stupidly heavy table on my own, he wont be back for ages! but no.. its uncle P who has come to rotavate aforementioned excuse for the garden! So we decide that its really important for a cup of tea and a fag...

As we (ok UP) is half way through the door goes again, this time its MIL... she has arrived bearing 3 items of chocolate for each of the kids.. then 10 mins later the lady arrives for the table..

ok all sorted.. table and chairs now gone, garden rotavated, new table and chairs in.. all seems fine..

I took H to a friends party.. she looked beautiful, we had a lovely walk there after realising that the very important piece of paper with the address and the phone number on it was missing - cue frantic panic.. "sod it we will walk down and look for balloons" - see i can think laterally too!! We made it after discussing how much like a princess she is and that i was her fairy godmother who was taking her to the ball! She had a fab time and skipped and danced all the way home!

"no love" was one of the phrases of the day.. "no love you cant play the computer all day" "no love, please stop attacking your sisters" "no love, you cant play with H's barbie and the island princess - you know it will make her cross" "no love please dont squash your beans in your bowl"

content?

2008-05-01T16:22:00.003+01:00

its wierd. I have finally accepted that there are things that happen that i cant change.. for me thats a huge thing, coz i fiz things. Thats what i do. I make things better. But there are some things i cant.

I have just made the best chocolate fudge pudding in the world ever which was met by cries and delight by my wonderful sexy husband (wsh), and 2 out of 3 children.. so its normal chocolate cake for the other one tomorrow!

Middle child (my wonderful 4 year old princess cinderella) had to have her tooth taken out by the dentist on Tues. She was amazing. No flinches, no screams nothing... but she is rock hard! Anyway after spending Tues pm watching her new box set of Barbie movies and eating choc chip cookies she seems to be much better so thanks to Anna the princess dentist!

I dont know what has happened, but i seem to be all content right now.. i have bought a new table and chairs for the kitchen today and im thrilled with it.. just got to persuade wsh to go and collect it for me tomorrow!
My children seem happy right now, they are wonderful.. I am trying to learn to grab hold of life and enjoy it!

Well, its Rotavator weekend this weekend.. yes its booked and due to be dropped off here tomorrow afternoon, then we have the weekend to Rotavator the "garden" - well it will be by the time i am finished!
The kitchen is coming along.. then we need to finish our bedroom and "do" the front room, finish the hallway, "DO" the utillity room and get flooring down, new work services and new sink and tap.... it WILL be done! LOL

Anyway, time to play that fabulous game of "lets find the jarmies that the sprogs will wear tonight" and read them a story - then bed! Then i intend to snuggle with wsh!

2008-04-23T08:06:00.003+01:00

Well apparently today is Wednesday..
PE kit now in tumble drier so it can be taken back to school after finally found yesterday.. how my son can be SOOO intelligent and yet have less common sense than the average snail is a wonder to me.. the conversation went something like this:

"hiya B, did you have a good day?"
"yeah i spose so"
"have you got your pe kit?"
"er no, i er couldnt find it"
"what still??" (i notice the look on his face, feel guilty and cave in.. lost property here we come.... Now any parent who has had to delve into the depths of lost property amongst lunch boxes which have been there for.. well frankly christ knows how long, but the smell emitting suggests that they may have been there for a while.. and the smelly socks - how do small children lose socks at school? will know quite what a terrible thing this is that i was about to do.. Anyway i have a brainwave - yes even after having the children i get one or two - lets search the cloakroom again) "ok lets go and look for it together"
we stop at the cloakroom....
"right so you have searched in here? all these boxes?"
"yes mum"
"ALL of them???"
"well only the ones that are for my class"
so we pull out and look for some of the other ones and there it is.. hoorah! Mum 1 having to buy new pe kit 0.. success!

Happy St Georges day today screams my diary only to remind me that i was meant to have organised stuff for this weekends scout parade.. oops.. will do it later!

So my darling husband (here on known as mdh) managed to totally ignore me last night when i said "oi g*t time for bed, if you dont come up now then im not coming back down to get you" so i left him... so he ended up sleeping on the sofa last night.. well he feel a bit sore for it this morning! shouldnt laugh.. but it is kind of retribution.. He has an issue with getting up and out of bed.. it has taken about 2 - 3 hours every morning for the past month or so to get him out of bed - and no, thats not me, that s the kids jumping on him, "singing" songs, telling jokes, making enough noise to wake the dead .. but not him!
Apparently its part of his depression... His sleeping patterns always have been rather odd and he has NEVER woken up when one of the kids cries in the night or something... It takes longer to wake him than it does to actually get up, deal with child, then go back to bed.. but this in the mornings is taking its toll on me tbh.. Im beginning to lose patience. But we shall see, i will find more entertaining ways of waking him up.. im thinking cat food on the tummy and then let smudge attack him!
anyhow, another day is ahead of me.. more school runs.. more cleaning, more tidying, more making tea.. oh and mdh is taking his nan shopping - again this is far more fun for me than him!

Tuesday

2008-04-22T13:47:00.002+01:00

Well I did it, both sprogs of school attending age are there. In clean uniforms, with socks which even match!! Woohoo.
So today i am having a new back door being fitted by my rather lovely husband and his rather mad uncle Pete. I tell you they are madder than a box of frogs, but they wortk well together and my new door is looking lovelier each time I gaze lovingly at it.

I am currently waiting for the lady from the NHS counter fraud department to turn up and reinterview me. Yes, my doctor has been suspended for fraud. I have already made one statement and now i need to make another one... Methinks that she wont be returning to the practise. Bit of a bugger really as she really was rather a good doctor!

So "wendy" - yes blow me down with a feather she has decided to be a girl today!!!! - is sitting on my knee singing me songs, playing with my jewellery and generally whittering whilst also magically being afraid of bees and flies - yes i shall be talking to my eldest this afternoon about why we dont tell little people that bees and flies can kill you.... bless him..

I have just had the shout through the open window of "milk 2 sugars please love" so i think thats my cue to put the kettle on again.. better pop to the shop to get some tea bags..

well thats it then

2008-04-21T21:23:00.004+01:00

The sprogs go back to school tomorrow. I'm actually going to miss them, I love having them at home. I know its good for them, but its still going to be strange. New uniform bought, not quite named or looked out yet, but there is still time! Eldest will be there for the whole school day and middle will be going in for afternoon nursery leaving me with the youngest, currently and somewhat affectionately known as "the feral one" or "lunar jim" or "bob".. yes she does know that she is a girl, and that her preferred characters are boys, but that doesnt seem to matter. Personally i think she does it to make me look stupid as im calling out "lunar its rickle, lets get lunar" or "bob? where are you bob? can we fix it? yes we can!". Obviously her only being 3 we cant do these things at a whisper and its all well and good in your own back garden, but in the middle of the playground? yes, apparently one can shout these things out energetically. Yes, one will also get some really confused looks, some "oh my god whats she on/doing?" looks and the pitying "i so know how embarrassing it is to have to do that" looks.. well role on the playground.

Its funny, i hated play times when i was at school, hated being on playground duty as a teacher but now i positively loathe the playground. Its one of those places that you walk in glancing around to find someone who is going to look at you nicely, not as if you dont fit in and will actually talk to you.. so yes, tomorrow i have to be brave again.. do I get a "i was so brave today" sticker? no i bloody dont. I get "mum have you filled in my reading record? whats for lunch? wheres my pe kit?"
actually thats a good point, where is his sodding pe kit? did he bring it home? oh god i cant remember.. oh sod it. we shall find out in the morning, im not going to bother about it now, im going to drink my rather large vodka and deal with it later... ok so in all honesty i will probably drink my rather large vodka, then rip the house apart looking for it, and fill in his bloody reading record - we do this every holiday, each one i vow to write down what he has read, each time i dont and have to try to remember what it is that he has read.

sure it will be fine.... oh blast.. any one seen a matching pair of socks?

2008-04-20T10:37:00.002+01:00

Well its amazing what some lovely hugs from your children all throughout the night can do! I am up this morning and i am with it (well more with it than i have been!) and i actually feel far more positive this morning.

The sprogs are all gorgeous and wonderful, although i DO have to brave the screams and the tantrums of cutting bens hair today. He wont have anyone near him with scissors, so we use the clippers - great if you know where the little black guidelines are, but i dont. I dont have a clue, they could be anywhere! So we have borrowed a "very very noisy" pair.. so that should be fun...

Tis Sunday, the day of rest apparantly, so why is it today that i feel i have to get lots done? I also need to spend some "quality time" with the sprogs too... hmm not enough hours, so we shall play and read stories..

Why is it that my dh has this habbit of being able to talk about a computer game in an almost obsessional way? "how much wheat have you got?" "what are you levels?" er i have no idea without looking... right on cue "how are you for clay? have you got iron? wood?" and so the conversation continues, but its one of the reasons i love him... im now smiling, i thank him for that..

oops

2008-04-19T20:27:00.002+01:00

Having read this back from start to finish a couple of times it sounds like an "oh poor me" and a great tale of woe, it really isnt that bad.. yeah there are things that make life suck, but isnt that the same for everyone?

The good things are things that i need to hold on to right now, things like my children, the little scraps of paper with drawings and writings on them, the "i love you mum" 's the "you're the best mummy in the world ever" the stories, the hugs, the cuddles, the love.. thats it, the love..

I love my children so much and i cant imagine life without them..
the love from my sprogs is what keeps me going, the love from my wonderful husband (who i really really need to apologise to) and the love of all my online friends who give me the strength to carry on.. i thank you all...

what a week...

2008-04-19T19:33:00.003+01:00

well, im not really sure where to start, its been a while since i have written anything in this blog - tbh i kind of figured that noone would want to read it, tonight however i feel "sod it" and am writing.. be warned though i imagine here at the start that none of it will make sense....

its been a week from hell and tonight im shattered and exhausted, but also dreading falling asleep. I had a lovely start to the week with my friend Vicky and her children coming to play which was lovely, then another friend Ky came over on Wednesday..
Then the phone call came on Wednesday that my BIL had to have some more tests as all his blood levels were low again. He has battled leukaemia 2ce and won although the 2nd time nearly killed him, well the most dreaded phone call came on thursday morning.. "its back" thats all my little sister said, its all she needed to, the sound of fear and dread in her voice was enough.. they had to see the consultant at that lunchtime so I was expecting bad news..
It was bad news, he is younger than me, has 2 wonderful children and was told that this disease is going to kill him. It is "aggressive and incurable"... what do you say to that? "im sorry" seems so pathetic and so useless - which it is..
Then as i didnt think things could get worse i had a text from a friend to tell me that she was in hospital and had lost her baby and could i tell everyone on DWD for her.... again what do you say? breaking news like that is awful...
Friday and i hear that my BIL has only month(s) left to live, I had a long chat with my sister during which it sounded as if she was breaking her heart to me... I feel so useless.. but if he thinks im wearing a man u strip to his bloody funeral then he has another thing coming!

I have nothing but admiration for them both, he especially seems on the surface to have developed a really sick, twisted and dry sense of humour about it all... and good for him says I!

On a positive though I was in the paper today.. not just a local one either - a national, the telegraph! http://www.telegraph.co.uk/education/main.jhtml?xml=/education/2008/04/19/famums19.x I was interviewed about Mumszone and what i said is in the paper! Im really pleased.. It really lifted my spirits today...

Im still not sleeping properly and when i do its full of nightmares, but im sure this will pass...

anyway in the words of the late, and very great Jonothan Larson..

"No day but today"

a good day? hmmm i think NOT!

2007-09-11T14:32:00.000+01:00

After having to deal with my middle daughters exploding bottom last night (oh my how can something so beautiful adn tiny produce so much disgusting stuff??) stupidly i decided this morning that today would be a "good day" hmmm how wrong could i be???

Major problems with my eldest (6) and apparently i dont love him coz i MADE him go to school.. well er yes i think so! You dont sit there and tell me young man that i cant make you!!!! Yes i can!
No idea where it has all come from, last night school was fab, amazing and the best thing ever.. however this morning it is boring, horrible, and i dont care and dont understand... how wrong can he be?! I DO care and i DO understand! but sadly love you have to go.....

i bit my tongue - no not metorphorically, but really and i never realised how much the bl**dy things bleed! never mind hey, didnt hurt as much as the punches and kicks and slaps from my 6 year old......

on a positive note my 2 1/2 year old has finally weed on the potty! 3 times today! and only 1 poo on the floor.. ok so the "songs" may not be exactly great to boost what little street cred i have, but hey if its wee where its meant to be then thats good enough for me!

my husbands depression is up and down at the moment which sucks! Prozac is marvellous stuff but it can only do SO much...who knows how long this "blip" will last???

what a day! and i still have to break the news to my eldest that the only after school club he has ever wanted to do was full!!!!! hmm how well will he take that one i wonder? oh and i still need to sort tea and get the kids to bed.. hmmmmmm how long to bed time????????

my week (and its only tuesday!)

2007-09-04T13:11:00.000+01:00

right well things have been odd this week, and it mainly involves poo.. not a great week so far!

I love my children, but totally honestly i dont love their poo. No really i dont. I have delt with enough poo this week all over my home, my knee, my walls, the toilet (woohoo! they made it to the loo!) and everywhere else it seems. Let me explain....
My youngest has a dairy allergy. OK so its awkward, but dealable with, except when some really "kind" person feeds them chocolate mousse, or ice cream or chocolate.. hmm the effects can then be somewhat... er.. um...... explosive! needless to say the potty training is on hold!
My middle one is apparently toilet trained, although i think that maybe someone forgot to inform her of this! poo all over the wall of the toilet because "princesses dont have poo over their hands".. no sh** sherlock! So i tried to remain calm and inform her that "princesses dont normally have poo in their knickers either hunni do they?" whilst frantically scrubbing the aforementioned poo off the wall....
If all this wasnt enough i get woken by my 6 year old who has "had a poo accident" in his "night time pants" this morning at 445 and needed help to clean it up... hmmmm... amazing how far it goes and what a mess it makes!

Well its only tuesday and my eldest has gone back to school today, middle one goes back to nursery tomorrow afternoon leaving just one...
Strange i have mixed feelings about them going back.. on the one hand im thrilled! I might actually get something done around the house as oppose to acting as referee, taxi, nursemaid, nurse, cook, cleaner, storyteller, guide on days out, doctor, paramedic, childrens entertainer etc etc etc but on the other hand... shock horror i think i may actually miss them!

why this blog?

2007-09-04T13:09:00.000+01:00

hmm dont know really, just suppose i need to get things out of my head really and sort them out!

anyhow, this is me, my life, living with someone with depression, 3 small people and no money... its tough and i know im not alone....